Dear God,
Why is everyday the same?
I'm so afraid that by the time I get to do things my way, I will have lost the ability to enjoy them
I'm so happy and grateful you're with me through this
I just don't see it ending anytime soon, or rather, anytime proper
I love you so much
and even though this sucks, It's bringing us closer together, and for that I'm grateful
Love,
Me
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Showing Affection
"So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull."
That was something I heard on Grey's Anatomy last night, or the night before, I don't remember
I thought it was a concept just I had in mind, or a few people around me
You know, when you just look the other way when someone catches you looking at something that concerns them with any sort of affection
Compared to people I know who do this, I really don't do it much, I like people to know I feel for/towards them.
Anyway, seeing someone on a TV show say it, made me realize how universal it is
Merideth felt sorry for her step sister for having a sick child, then was thrilled to see her back in her mother's arms, but pretended she didn't care about either events.
A couple of days ago, I overheard some girl I vaguely know saying there was this book she couldn't find anywhere. I thought of looking for it for her, not intensely, because she had probably looked for it everywhere popular. But at least ask about it, If anyone I know has it or something.
Then this thought kind of imposed itself in my head, that even if I find it. I wouldn't give it to her. Because then she'll think I care about her, and I don't want that.
Then I asked me (and kind of beat me up for it), why on earth wouldn't I want that?!
Why do people do that anyway?
I couldn't think of a proper reason
I wish they didn't.
I wish I didn't too.
I just took a decision to try not to ever consciously do this, at least until I think of a reason.
That was something I heard on Grey's Anatomy last night, or the night before, I don't remember
I thought it was a concept just I had in mind, or a few people around me
You know, when you just look the other way when someone catches you looking at something that concerns them with any sort of affection
Compared to people I know who do this, I really don't do it much, I like people to know I feel for/towards them.
Anyway, seeing someone on a TV show say it, made me realize how universal it is
Merideth felt sorry for her step sister for having a sick child, then was thrilled to see her back in her mother's arms, but pretended she didn't care about either events.
A couple of days ago, I overheard some girl I vaguely know saying there was this book she couldn't find anywhere. I thought of looking for it for her, not intensely, because she had probably looked for it everywhere popular. But at least ask about it, If anyone I know has it or something.
Then this thought kind of imposed itself in my head, that even if I find it. I wouldn't give it to her. Because then she'll think I care about her, and I don't want that.
Then I asked me (and kind of beat me up for it), why on earth wouldn't I want that?!
Why do people do that anyway?
I couldn't think of a proper reason
I wish they didn't.
I wish I didn't too.
I just took a decision to try not to ever consciously do this, at least until I think of a reason.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
-
I'm truly too messed up to write a decent post
this will be very random
it's more of a tantrum than talking
I don't even have the energy to arrange my senteces
circles
my thoughts are becoming roundabout
or dead ended
something of that sort
my mood swings are making me so angry at myself
they're not mood swings in the first place
they're just rediculous attempts of trying to make myself momentally happy to forget about everything that's making me unhappy on the long term
normally by doing something stupid
and then, the downfall
figures
how come I keep on repeating the same mistake even though I positively know I'll be miserable when the high is over
I'm not angry at God, at all
I love God
but I just wish he talks to me more often
or more clearly
I just want to know if he's upset with me
I don't feel like waking up
or getting out of bed if I did
I force myself to go back to sleep
Everytime I wake up and remember all the chaos, I keep on hoping it's a nightmare, then realize it's not, then want to crawl into a corner and die
I want to make the people who love me happy
but I don't want to live, grow, and die in the bottom of a bottle
I'm just confused to death
I don't want to have people listen to my whining
or live with me being miserable like that
so I just make up a shell and go in it
I'll go to bed now
and sleep in a really long time because I can't sleep right away
and then not want to wake up
again
and again and again and again
this will be very random
it's more of a tantrum than talking
I don't even have the energy to arrange my senteces
circles
my thoughts are becoming roundabout
or dead ended
something of that sort
my mood swings are making me so angry at myself
they're not mood swings in the first place
they're just rediculous attempts of trying to make myself momentally happy to forget about everything that's making me unhappy on the long term
normally by doing something stupid
and then, the downfall
figures
how come I keep on repeating the same mistake even though I positively know I'll be miserable when the high is over
I'm not angry at God, at all
I love God
but I just wish he talks to me more often
or more clearly
I just want to know if he's upset with me
I don't feel like waking up
or getting out of bed if I did
I force myself to go back to sleep
Everytime I wake up and remember all the chaos, I keep on hoping it's a nightmare, then realize it's not, then want to crawl into a corner and die
I want to make the people who love me happy
but I don't want to live, grow, and die in the bottom of a bottle
I'm just confused to death
I don't want to have people listen to my whining
or live with me being miserable like that
so I just make up a shell and go in it
I'll go to bed now
and sleep in a really long time because I can't sleep right away
and then not want to wake up
again
and again and again and again
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Feelings (?)
This topic provoked me because of how feelings felt by teenagers are often described as ''unreal''.
To make it clear, this isn't me being defensive or blindly rejecting of this description. But rather, trying to get to the bottom of it.
The fact that feelings could be ''real'' in the first place doesn't make much sense to me. What does real mean? Is it that they would have a physical existence? That would make no feelings real to begin with. Is it that everyone else would feel them too? If so, it's nearly impossible. It's rare that everyone would feel the same about one thing, let alone everything. Is it about their sincerity? Because I'm sure I'm honest with myself about my feelings and my answer is the same to myself when I ask me twice.
The very definition of feelings is quite vague, the dictionary definition (in a nutshell) was ''emotions''. And the definition of emotions did come down to ''feelings'', and in other attempts to explain both, only examples of different sentiments were given. This made me smile actually, I felt the logic was almost as clueless as I am about this and not as certain as it seemed to be. People tend to talk about this so confidently. 98% of the times when I try to discuss anything feeling related with an older person they lay in the fruit of their glorious expertise and call my feelings fake. It just made me frustrated one way or another. If everything I feel is fake then none of my feelings is of worth anyway, so my happiness isn't happiness, my sadness isn't really sadness, and my affection for another person is a mere illusion. It's all just an illusion. So I should either feel okay with living a lie (which would never happen), or lock myself up in a cellar until my feelings are real enough. The silent frustration was broken by the emerging of a third option, people's description of my emotions is not true, or rather, inaccurate.
The word ''unreal'' is very much a subconscious or inaccurate conscious replacement of ''volatile''. That would suggest that ''real'' feelings have to be everlasting in order to exist anyway. For me, or anyone else my age, most feelings do come and go easily (emphasis on most). Easier than it does for older people. So the word ''volatile'' does apply.
The thing is, even though adult feelings have a lower tendency to evaporate, they often do. The affinity for adolescent feelings to just fly away is only relative. I'm not saying that all adult feelings are unreal, I am suggesting that quite a lot are.
I still haven't been lucky enough to encounter feelings between people that I could describe as ''everlasting''.(which makes me question their existence to be honest), but I've met a few who are sincere and selfless. They felt real for some reason.
So the one measure I have so far reached for a feeling to be real is, the sincerity of it.
It does need more standards, not just for the sake of it. But for the fact that sincerity alone isn't enough. The feelings of children are sincere, but they are not always built on good enough judgement.
I don't have a strong closing statement, my thoughts always end with a question mark.
So sharing thoughts is much needed!
To make it clear, this isn't me being defensive or blindly rejecting of this description. But rather, trying to get to the bottom of it.
The fact that feelings could be ''real'' in the first place doesn't make much sense to me. What does real mean? Is it that they would have a physical existence? That would make no feelings real to begin with. Is it that everyone else would feel them too? If so, it's nearly impossible. It's rare that everyone would feel the same about one thing, let alone everything. Is it about their sincerity? Because I'm sure I'm honest with myself about my feelings and my answer is the same to myself when I ask me twice.
The very definition of feelings is quite vague, the dictionary definition (in a nutshell) was ''emotions''. And the definition of emotions did come down to ''feelings'', and in other attempts to explain both, only examples of different sentiments were given. This made me smile actually, I felt the logic was almost as clueless as I am about this and not as certain as it seemed to be. People tend to talk about this so confidently. 98% of the times when I try to discuss anything feeling related with an older person they lay in the fruit of their glorious expertise and call my feelings fake. It just made me frustrated one way or another. If everything I feel is fake then none of my feelings is of worth anyway, so my happiness isn't happiness, my sadness isn't really sadness, and my affection for another person is a mere illusion. It's all just an illusion. So I should either feel okay with living a lie (which would never happen), or lock myself up in a cellar until my feelings are real enough. The silent frustration was broken by the emerging of a third option, people's description of my emotions is not true, or rather, inaccurate.
The word ''unreal'' is very much a subconscious or inaccurate conscious replacement of ''volatile''. That would suggest that ''real'' feelings have to be everlasting in order to exist anyway. For me, or anyone else my age, most feelings do come and go easily (emphasis on most). Easier than it does for older people. So the word ''volatile'' does apply.
The thing is, even though adult feelings have a lower tendency to evaporate, they often do. The affinity for adolescent feelings to just fly away is only relative. I'm not saying that all adult feelings are unreal, I am suggesting that quite a lot are.
I still haven't been lucky enough to encounter feelings between people that I could describe as ''everlasting''.(which makes me question their existence to be honest), but I've met a few who are sincere and selfless. They felt real for some reason.
So the one measure I have so far reached for a feeling to be real is, the sincerity of it.
It does need more standards, not just for the sake of it. But for the fact that sincerity alone isn't enough. The feelings of children are sincere, but they are not always built on good enough judgement.
I don't have a strong closing statement, my thoughts always end with a question mark.
So sharing thoughts is much needed!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Don't come
I think you shouldn't come here
You're too beautiful for this city
Don't come here, not now
I think you know this already
The dusty air will blur the freshness of your eyes
Car headlights will add to you wrinkles
City clothes will no doubt, suffocate you
Don't come, please
No matter how much I tell you I miss you
Walls and ceilings will make you look smaller
Crowds will suck you in
Smoke would darken your face
and paint it with the expression of indifference
Everyone here has on
Your God will vanish in the grey sky
You'll have to worship mine
Mine's slightly more silent
And not as divine
You have to know this is sincere
Our love is still a seed
It might choke to death here
If not, it will bleed
Remain where there's colour
I'll catch up one day
Untill then, don't bother
And let come what may.
You're too beautiful for this city
Don't come here, not now
I think you know this already
The dusty air will blur the freshness of your eyes
Car headlights will add to you wrinkles
City clothes will no doubt, suffocate you
Don't come, please
No matter how much I tell you I miss you
Walls and ceilings will make you look smaller
Crowds will suck you in
Smoke would darken your face
and paint it with the expression of indifference
Everyone here has on
Your God will vanish in the grey sky
You'll have to worship mine
Mine's slightly more silent
And not as divine
You have to know this is sincere
Our love is still a seed
It might choke to death here
If not, it will bleed
Remain where there's colour
I'll catch up one day
Untill then, don't bother
And let come what may.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
What God Wants
I've been reading a book with that title for a while now, I decided to stop though. It was becoming too confusing for me. The facts I'm sure about concerning God are still sinking in. The content of the book was starting to mess with them.
For the first 13 chapters it went on and on about how the world thinks they know what God wants and are acting upon it while in fact, they know nothing. The writer discussed how thinking we know what God wants affected our beliefs about all different things in life such as gender roles, war, life and death, homosexuality.. etc. He was quite right about how huge and deep the scar is, but it was nothing new. 13 chapters was way too much for that. I kept reading and hoping that what I actually got the book for, would emerge, sometime.
Untill I hit chapter 14, which was said to contain the real essence and bottom line of what God wants.
It was two blank pages
The writer suggested that what God wants, is nothing.
I didn't finish the book, so I'm not a proper judge. But I read a bit after that. He justified that by saying that if God is perfect, flawless, the essence of all life, and can do anything he wants. It's irrational to suggest that he would want something. He said there's a difference between wanting and preferring. Wanting is needing, God doesn't need anything. But he does have preferences, and his preferences are what we want, because of some other theory he suggested about God being the collective of all life, meaning that If no life existed, God wouldn't exist. But that's not the point anyway.
My point of all this is, It is irrational that God would want anything. Even prefer anything. Wanting and preferring are both weaknesses. They both mean you'll end up just a little less happy or satisfied if you don't get your preference. It's irrational for God to have desires, since - being so powerful - he can fulfill them all. It's irrational for him to put his preferences in our hands, the flawed fallen humans.
So where does the sin/good deed theory stand on this? If it stands at all, being contradictory to it?
If God can't want anything, and doesn't have preferences, why would it matter if we 'sin' or we don't?
This is getting very confusing, I'm even confused as I write.
For the first 13 chapters it went on and on about how the world thinks they know what God wants and are acting upon it while in fact, they know nothing. The writer discussed how thinking we know what God wants affected our beliefs about all different things in life such as gender roles, war, life and death, homosexuality.. etc. He was quite right about how huge and deep the scar is, but it was nothing new. 13 chapters was way too much for that. I kept reading and hoping that what I actually got the book for, would emerge, sometime.
Untill I hit chapter 14, which was said to contain the real essence and bottom line of what God wants.
It was two blank pages
The writer suggested that what God wants, is nothing.
I didn't finish the book, so I'm not a proper judge. But I read a bit after that. He justified that by saying that if God is perfect, flawless, the essence of all life, and can do anything he wants. It's irrational to suggest that he would want something. He said there's a difference between wanting and preferring. Wanting is needing, God doesn't need anything. But he does have preferences, and his preferences are what we want, because of some other theory he suggested about God being the collective of all life, meaning that If no life existed, God wouldn't exist. But that's not the point anyway.
My point of all this is, It is irrational that God would want anything. Even prefer anything. Wanting and preferring are both weaknesses. They both mean you'll end up just a little less happy or satisfied if you don't get your preference. It's irrational for God to have desires, since - being so powerful - he can fulfill them all. It's irrational for him to put his preferences in our hands, the flawed fallen humans.
So where does the sin/good deed theory stand on this? If it stands at all, being contradictory to it?
If God can't want anything, and doesn't have preferences, why would it matter if we 'sin' or we don't?
This is getting very confusing, I'm even confused as I write.
Friday, October 17, 2008
random (again and again)
I'm too exhausted to write
Let's just say the world is so frustrating that it makes me silent
My back is killing me
It feels like it's seriously unsafe to be on the street anymore
something must be wrong with my attitude, it's probably driving people away, this can't be coincidence
I want a cat so bad
Being frustrated is better than being bored/numb actually
friends.. I miss big loud groups of friends, they're great distraction material, distraction from too much thinking
I'm so glad I'm back to art, It's making these days slightly less depressing
did I mention how much I hate October?! I'm always unhappy in October, I'm not blaming October, it just happens to be that way
Let's just say the world is so frustrating that it makes me silent
My back is killing me
It feels like it's seriously unsafe to be on the street anymore
something must be wrong with my attitude, it's probably driving people away, this can't be coincidence
I want a cat so bad
Being frustrated is better than being bored/numb actually
friends.. I miss big loud groups of friends, they're great distraction material, distraction from too much thinking
I'm so glad I'm back to art, It's making these days slightly less depressing
did I mention how much I hate October?! I'm always unhappy in October, I'm not blaming October, it just happens to be that way
Monday, September 29, 2008
''If I am a present, I should be fully wrapped''
Beyond all wisdom
The question remains
Why me?
Why is it that while It's so wrong for me to do one thing, it's so normal for another person to do the same exact thing, just because they're them and I'm me? And it's something you and I both know is harmless?!
And it's people who are not so distant, they're in fact closest family and friends. They're greeted with warm hypocrisy by the same people who design the taboos.
Not particularly me, why does it happen in the world?
Why did God make me if he knew that I'd suffer? And the suffering I'm talking about is because of a stupid fallen world?
Why was I born into all this complication?
God, I'm really sorry to say this, but the only conclusion this has lead me to is that YOU'RE SO DAMN UNFAIR
The problem is I can't fully blame them for that
They're so brainwashed into this crap
The problem isn't a symptom like "wear this and wear that"
They're forced into that ignorant ice age perception of me
They just choose to continue living the illusion
To them, I'm a cute little thing who they'll play with a little then hand to her inevitable destiny, just because the ancestors and their so called "God" says so.
Hence it is completely acceptable and predictable that they expect me to behave like a present, and it shouldn't surprise me so much.
There IS what's wrong and what's right, what's fair and what's unfair
Before you wonder why I'm not listening, have you bothered to ask yourselves what they are?! whether or not it's fair to me?
And just for your information, I DO listen, hoping something new to hear. But I never do.
Once again, I talk to myself like I'm insane, whine a little, object and tell myself it's sad..
Then I go to bed, wake up the next morning, and decide it's easier to forget. I act like I have no problem with the shower of orders I get because that it's eventually what will make them happy and spare me the headache. I pretend that I'm a happy flower rainbow butterfly child and that nothing can get in the way of that. I do things that really contradict my beliefs and conscience just to make sure that happens.
And that now, is absolute justice.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
?
I'm not depressed
I'm not a sad person
I'm just unhappy
and the more time passes the less I'm able to enjoy things
I have God in my life
I have family and friends that love me
I have almost all the material things I want
I have good looks
I'm academically alright
I have some talents
I really think I accept my life
I don't have all the freedom there is in the world, but for someone my age with my mistakes, it's not bad.
and I can't keep on scapegoating him
a man just can't be the answer
What is it that's missing?
I'm not a sad person
I'm just unhappy
and the more time passes the less I'm able to enjoy things
I have God in my life
I have family and friends that love me
I have almost all the material things I want
I have good looks
I'm academically alright
I have some talents
I really think I accept my life
I don't have all the freedom there is in the world, but for someone my age with my mistakes, it's not bad.
and I can't keep on scapegoating him
a man just can't be the answer
What is it that's missing?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
...
I've been praying intensely for a lot of things these past days, I was very frustrated. And then I came across this song,
You are not alone
I am here with you
Even when you're scared
I'll never leave you
Standing in a storm
Making it insane
Once again, I would try
To enchain you
But you open your eyes to the sky
and whisper
That you are so lonenly
You are so alone
You're so alone
You're so lonely, so lonely
So I'm colouring my face
While I am here with you
Imagining the landscape of your sorrow
Is it yellow or blue?
Colouring the sky, and the trees
and the clouds, and the moonlight
I'd coloured your heart
If you didn't I did
And I wish you could just find home
Sometimes, it feels too good to be true that there's a God who cares about me so much. I pray for signs and they come, and they amaze me so much that I can't believe them.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Letter
Dear God,
Thanks for giving me flaws that (when let out by me) only hurt me or really close people who eventually forgive me. Please make me stop hurting myself. I've been so bad with you I'm sorry, but it gets boring when you get so silent.
Love,
me
Thanks for giving me flaws that (when let out by me) only hurt me or really close people who eventually forgive me. Please make me stop hurting myself. I've been so bad with you I'm sorry, but it gets boring when you get so silent.
Love,
me
Thursday, September 11, 2008
random |||
I feel like writing something but I don't know what it is so I'll just talk a lot
Is this loneliness? or what? I'm feeling something that isn't good, it's there all the time and i feel it worst when I'm alone, it makes me want to look at myself in the mirror a lot.
I keep on wishing for more freedom, I can't even use the freedom I have already correctly, or can I, I'm rational most of the time, but when I'm pressured or empty or sad I behave like I have the right to do anything. I don't know, I just feel like I'm suffocating a lot.
Where's right and where's wrong? Why doesn't life come with a manual?
and I'm SO irresponsible
or my responsibilities are too meaningless
I don't know
I'm so unsure on how I'll behave with real responsiblities
hence comes my confusion with where self trust ends and begins
Imagination is so great. But sitting there day dreaming for hours doesn't solve anything, and makes reality look hideous.
Why does God talk always come in boring books or cliche phrases?
Why doesn't God talk to me? Why doesn't he help end my confusion?
when did my sister get so mean?
These girls, they're so in a world of their own, I feel like I'm on another planet when I'm with them. I honestly feel like I'm a devil. I know I wouldn't be happy if I were like them, I've tried. But yet their lives seem so clean and trouble free.
Social rules are the most ironic useless myth of human history
It's me who doesn't listen. Right.
Is this loneliness? or what? I'm feeling something that isn't good, it's there all the time and i feel it worst when I'm alone, it makes me want to look at myself in the mirror a lot.
I keep on wishing for more freedom, I can't even use the freedom I have already correctly, or can I, I'm rational most of the time, but when I'm pressured or empty or sad I behave like I have the right to do anything. I don't know, I just feel like I'm suffocating a lot.
Where's right and where's wrong? Why doesn't life come with a manual?
and I'm SO irresponsible
or my responsibilities are too meaningless
I don't know
I'm so unsure on how I'll behave with real responsiblities
hence comes my confusion with where self trust ends and begins
Imagination is so great. But sitting there day dreaming for hours doesn't solve anything, and makes reality look hideous.
Why does God talk always come in boring books or cliche phrases?
Why doesn't God talk to me? Why doesn't he help end my confusion?
when did my sister get so mean?
These girls, they're so in a world of their own, I feel like I'm on another planet when I'm with them. I honestly feel like I'm a devil. I know I wouldn't be happy if I were like them, I've tried. But yet their lives seem so clean and trouble free.
Social rules are the most ironic useless myth of human history
It's me who doesn't listen. Right.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
يوميات امرأة
لماذا في مدينتنا ؟
نعيش الحب تهريباً وتزويراً ؟
ونسرق من شقوق الباب موعدنا
ونستعطي الرسائل
والمشاويرا
لماذا في مدينتنا ؟
يصيدون العواطف والعصافيرا
لماذا نحن قصديرا ؟
وما يبقى من الإنسان
حين يصير قصديرا ؟
لماذا نحن مزدوجون
إحساسا وتفكيرا ؟
لماذا نحن ارضيون ..
تحتيون .. نخشى الشمس والنورا ؟
لماذا أهل بلدتنا ؟
يمزقهم تناقضهم
ففي ساعات يقظتهم
يسبون الضفائر والتنانيرا
وحين الليل يطويهم
يضمون التصاويرا
أسائل نفسي دائماً
لماذا لا يكون الحب في الدنيا ؟
لكل الناس
كل الناس
مثل أشعة الفجر
لماذا لا يكون الحب مثل الخبز والخمر ؟
ومثل الماء في النهر
ومثل الغيم ، والأمطار ،
والأعشاب والزهر
أليس الحب للإنسان
عمراً داخل العمر ؟
لماذا لايكون الحب في بلدي ؟
طبيعياً
كلقيا الثغر بالثغر
ومنساباً
كما شعري على ظهري
لماذا لا يحب الناس في لين ويسر ؟
كما الأسماك في البحر
كما الأقمار في أفلاكها تجري
لماذا لا يكون الحب في بلدي
ضرورياً
كديوان من الشعر
انا نهدي في صدري
كعصفورين
قد ماتا من الحر
كقديسين شرقيين متهمين بالكفر
كم اضطهدا
وكم رقدا على الجمر
وكم رفضا مصيرهما
وكم ثارا على القهر
وكم قطعا لجامهما
وكم هربا من القبر
متى سيفك قيدهما
متى ؟
يا ليتني ادري
***************************
نزلت إلى حديقتنا
ازور ربيعها الراجع
عجنت ترابها بيدي
حضنت حشيشها الطالع
رأيت شجيرة الدراق
تلبس ثوبها الفاقع
رأيت الطير محتفلاً
بعودة طيره الساجع
رأيت المقعد الخشبي
مثل الناسك الراجع
سقطت عليه باكية
كأني مركب ضائع
احتى الأرض ياربي ؟
تعبر عن مشاعرها
بشكل بارع ... بارع
احتى الأرض ياربي
لها يوم .. تحب فيه ..
تبوح به ..
تضم حبيبها الراجع
وفوق العشب من حولي
لها سبب .. لها الدافع
فليس الزنبق الفارع
وليس الحقل ، ليس النحل
ليس الجدول النابع
سوى كلمات هذى الأرض ..
غير حديثها الرائع
أحس بداخلي بعثاً
يمزق قشرتي عني
ويدفعني لان أعدو
مع الأطفال في الشارع
أريد..
أريد..
كايه زهرة في الروض
تفتح جفنها الدامع
كايه نحله في الحقل
تمنح شهدها النافع
أريد..
أريد أن أحيا
بكل خليه مني
مفاتن هذه الدنيا
بمخمل ليلها الواسع
وبرد شتائها اللاذع
أريد..
أريد أن أحيا
بكل حرارة الواقع
بكل حماقة الواقع
************************
يعود أخي من الماخور ...
عند الفجر سكرانا ...
يعود .. كأنه السلطان ..
من سماه سلطانا ؟
ويبقى في عيون الأهل
أجملنا ... وأغلانا ..
ويبقى في ثياب العهر
اطهرنا ... وأنقانا
يعود أخي من الماخور
مثل الديك .. نشوانا
فسبحان الذي سواه من ضوء
ومن فحم رخيص نحن سوانا
وسبحان الذي يمحو خطاياه
ولا يمحو خطايانا
تخيف أبي مراهقتي
يدق لها
طبول الذعر والخطر
يقاومها
يقاوم رغوة الخلجان
يلعن جراة المطر
يقاوم دونما جدوى
مرور النسغ في الذهر
أبي يشقى
إذا سالت رياح الصيف عن شعري
ويشقى إن رأى نهداي
يرتفحان في كبر
ويغتسلان كالأطفال
تحت أشعه القمر
فما ذنبي وذنبهما
هما مني هما قدري
متى يأتي ترى بطلي
لقد خبأت في صدري
له ، زوجا من الحجل
وقد خبأت في ثغري
له ، كوزا من العسل متى يأتي على فرس
له ، مجدولة الخصل
ليخطفني
ليكسر باب معتقلي
فمنذ طفولتي وأنا
أمد على شبابيكي
حبال الشوق والأمل
واجدل شعري الذهبي كي يصعد
على خصلاته .. بطلي
يروعني ..
*******************************
سأكتب عن صديقاتي
عن الأغلال دامية بأقدام الجميلات
عن الهذيان .. والغثيان .. عن ليل الضرعات
عن الأشواق تدفن في المخدات
عن الدوران في اللاشيء
عن موت الهنيهات
صديقاتي
رهائن تشترى وتباع في سوق الخرافات
سبايا في حريم الشرق
موتى غير أموات
يعشن ، يمتن مثل الفطر في جوف الزجاجات
صديقاتي
طيور في مغائرها
تموت بغير أصوات
خلوت اليوم ساعات
إلى جسدي
أفكر في قضاياه
أليس هوالثاني قضاياه ؟
وجنته وحماه ؟
لقد أهملته زمنا
ولم اعبا بشكواه
نظرت إليه في شغف
نظرت إليه من أحلى زواياه
لمست قبابه البيضاء
غابته ومرعاه
إن لوني حليبي
كان الفجر قطره وصفاه
أسفت لا نه جسدي
أسفت على ملاسته
وثرت على مصممه ، وعاجنه وناحته
رثيت له
لهذا الوحش يأكل من وسادته
لهذا الطفل ليس تنام عيناه
نزعت غلالتي عني
رأيت الظل يخرج من مراياه
رأيت النهر كالعصفور ... لم يتعب جناحاه
تحرر من قطيفته
ومزق عنه " تفتاه "
حزنت انا لمرآه
لماذا الله كوره ودوره .. وسواه ؟
لماذا الله أشقاني
بفتنته .. وأشقاه ؟
وعلقه بأعلى الصدر
جرحاً .. لست أنساه
***********************************
لماذا يستبد ابي ؟
ويرهقني بسلطته .. وينظر لي كانيه
كسطر في جريدته
ويحرص على أن أظل له
كأني بعض ثروته
وان أبقى بجانبه
ككرسي بحجرته
أيكفي أنني ابنته
أني من سلالته
أيطعمني أبي خبزاً ؟
أيغمرني بنعمته ؟
كفرت انا .. بمال أبي
بلؤلؤة ... بفضته
أبي لم ينتبه يوماً
إلى جسدي .. وثورته
أبي رجل أناني
مريض في محبته
مريض في تعنته
يثور إذا رأى صدري
تمادى في استدارته
يثور إذا رأى رجلاً
يقرب من حديقته
أبي ...
لن يمنع التفاح عن إكمال دورته
سيأتي ألف عصفور
ليسرق من حديقته
****************************
نزار قبانى
نعيش الحب تهريباً وتزويراً ؟
ونسرق من شقوق الباب موعدنا
ونستعطي الرسائل
والمشاويرا
لماذا في مدينتنا ؟
يصيدون العواطف والعصافيرا
لماذا نحن قصديرا ؟
وما يبقى من الإنسان
حين يصير قصديرا ؟
لماذا نحن مزدوجون
إحساسا وتفكيرا ؟
لماذا نحن ارضيون ..
تحتيون .. نخشى الشمس والنورا ؟
لماذا أهل بلدتنا ؟
يمزقهم تناقضهم
ففي ساعات يقظتهم
يسبون الضفائر والتنانيرا
وحين الليل يطويهم
يضمون التصاويرا
أسائل نفسي دائماً
لماذا لا يكون الحب في الدنيا ؟
لكل الناس
كل الناس
مثل أشعة الفجر
لماذا لا يكون الحب مثل الخبز والخمر ؟
ومثل الماء في النهر
ومثل الغيم ، والأمطار ،
والأعشاب والزهر
أليس الحب للإنسان
عمراً داخل العمر ؟
لماذا لايكون الحب في بلدي ؟
طبيعياً
كلقيا الثغر بالثغر
ومنساباً
كما شعري على ظهري
لماذا لا يحب الناس في لين ويسر ؟
كما الأسماك في البحر
كما الأقمار في أفلاكها تجري
لماذا لا يكون الحب في بلدي
ضرورياً
كديوان من الشعر
انا نهدي في صدري
كعصفورين
قد ماتا من الحر
كقديسين شرقيين متهمين بالكفر
كم اضطهدا
وكم رقدا على الجمر
وكم رفضا مصيرهما
وكم ثارا على القهر
وكم قطعا لجامهما
وكم هربا من القبر
متى سيفك قيدهما
متى ؟
يا ليتني ادري
***************************
نزلت إلى حديقتنا
ازور ربيعها الراجع
عجنت ترابها بيدي
حضنت حشيشها الطالع
رأيت شجيرة الدراق
تلبس ثوبها الفاقع
رأيت الطير محتفلاً
بعودة طيره الساجع
رأيت المقعد الخشبي
مثل الناسك الراجع
سقطت عليه باكية
كأني مركب ضائع
احتى الأرض ياربي ؟
تعبر عن مشاعرها
بشكل بارع ... بارع
احتى الأرض ياربي
لها يوم .. تحب فيه ..
تبوح به ..
تضم حبيبها الراجع
وفوق العشب من حولي
لها سبب .. لها الدافع
فليس الزنبق الفارع
وليس الحقل ، ليس النحل
ليس الجدول النابع
سوى كلمات هذى الأرض ..
غير حديثها الرائع
أحس بداخلي بعثاً
يمزق قشرتي عني
ويدفعني لان أعدو
مع الأطفال في الشارع
أريد..
أريد..
كايه زهرة في الروض
تفتح جفنها الدامع
كايه نحله في الحقل
تمنح شهدها النافع
أريد..
أريد أن أحيا
بكل خليه مني
مفاتن هذه الدنيا
بمخمل ليلها الواسع
وبرد شتائها اللاذع
أريد..
أريد أن أحيا
بكل حرارة الواقع
بكل حماقة الواقع
************************
يعود أخي من الماخور ...
عند الفجر سكرانا ...
يعود .. كأنه السلطان ..
من سماه سلطانا ؟
ويبقى في عيون الأهل
أجملنا ... وأغلانا ..
ويبقى في ثياب العهر
اطهرنا ... وأنقانا
يعود أخي من الماخور
مثل الديك .. نشوانا
فسبحان الذي سواه من ضوء
ومن فحم رخيص نحن سوانا
وسبحان الذي يمحو خطاياه
ولا يمحو خطايانا
تخيف أبي مراهقتي
يدق لها
طبول الذعر والخطر
يقاومها
يقاوم رغوة الخلجان
يلعن جراة المطر
يقاوم دونما جدوى
مرور النسغ في الذهر
أبي يشقى
إذا سالت رياح الصيف عن شعري
ويشقى إن رأى نهداي
يرتفحان في كبر
ويغتسلان كالأطفال
تحت أشعه القمر
فما ذنبي وذنبهما
هما مني هما قدري
متى يأتي ترى بطلي
لقد خبأت في صدري
له ، زوجا من الحجل
وقد خبأت في ثغري
له ، كوزا من العسل متى يأتي على فرس
له ، مجدولة الخصل
ليخطفني
ليكسر باب معتقلي
فمنذ طفولتي وأنا
أمد على شبابيكي
حبال الشوق والأمل
واجدل شعري الذهبي كي يصعد
على خصلاته .. بطلي
يروعني ..
*******************************
سأكتب عن صديقاتي
عن الأغلال دامية بأقدام الجميلات
عن الهذيان .. والغثيان .. عن ليل الضرعات
عن الأشواق تدفن في المخدات
عن الدوران في اللاشيء
عن موت الهنيهات
صديقاتي
رهائن تشترى وتباع في سوق الخرافات
سبايا في حريم الشرق
موتى غير أموات
يعشن ، يمتن مثل الفطر في جوف الزجاجات
صديقاتي
طيور في مغائرها
تموت بغير أصوات
خلوت اليوم ساعات
إلى جسدي
أفكر في قضاياه
أليس هوالثاني قضاياه ؟
وجنته وحماه ؟
لقد أهملته زمنا
ولم اعبا بشكواه
نظرت إليه في شغف
نظرت إليه من أحلى زواياه
لمست قبابه البيضاء
غابته ومرعاه
إن لوني حليبي
كان الفجر قطره وصفاه
أسفت لا نه جسدي
أسفت على ملاسته
وثرت على مصممه ، وعاجنه وناحته
رثيت له
لهذا الوحش يأكل من وسادته
لهذا الطفل ليس تنام عيناه
نزعت غلالتي عني
رأيت الظل يخرج من مراياه
رأيت النهر كالعصفور ... لم يتعب جناحاه
تحرر من قطيفته
ومزق عنه " تفتاه "
حزنت انا لمرآه
لماذا الله كوره ودوره .. وسواه ؟
لماذا الله أشقاني
بفتنته .. وأشقاه ؟
وعلقه بأعلى الصدر
جرحاً .. لست أنساه
***********************************
لماذا يستبد ابي ؟
ويرهقني بسلطته .. وينظر لي كانيه
كسطر في جريدته
ويحرص على أن أظل له
كأني بعض ثروته
وان أبقى بجانبه
ككرسي بحجرته
أيكفي أنني ابنته
أني من سلالته
أيطعمني أبي خبزاً ؟
أيغمرني بنعمته ؟
كفرت انا .. بمال أبي
بلؤلؤة ... بفضته
أبي لم ينتبه يوماً
إلى جسدي .. وثورته
أبي رجل أناني
مريض في محبته
مريض في تعنته
يثور إذا رأى صدري
تمادى في استدارته
يثور إذا رأى رجلاً
يقرب من حديقته
أبي ...
لن يمنع التفاح عن إكمال دورته
سيأتي ألف عصفور
ليسرق من حديقته
****************************
نزار قبانى
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
random II
- There's so many things I want to say but can't, I don't know how to word them, they sound so normal as thoughts, but once I think about how they'll sound I feel very stupid.
- I'm always afraid of saying something stupid, I'm afraid I'd sound naive/insignificant/spoiled/teenagy.
- I don't know whether it's wrong or right to be like this, I keep on isolating myself from everything, sometimes it feels like I'm just enjoying my time alone, others it feels like I'm running away, from reality to the internet or photography or music or whatever. I'm getting to a point where I'd rather be alone in a bubble than with people, and sometimes it's people I love, who actually feel it and are bothered by it. My family thinks this is my way of being inconsiderate and cold, and I lost hope in them understanding anything, so it doesn't bother me this much anymore.
- I'm glad I'm out of his influence (at least temporarily) to think clearly, I'm glad in a rational way. I think I let go of half my IQ when I'm with him, and he's like God, anything he says is correct, which is VERY stupid of me. I'm a smart person and I shouldn't love like this. On the other hand, none of this smartness is as liberating as being with him.
- His eyes are hypnotic, I'm glad he taught me how to stare.
- I know it more than I know my name that I'll forget all this next time I talk to him, that thing that attracted me in the first place will do it all over again, only faster.
- The fact that my feelings are unreal because I'm a teenager makes me want to slap myself violently, I'm 100% sure that I want him, my attraction is both rational and irrational, which is the perfect combination. But theory says it's an illusion and I'll grow out of it. That could be the only reason I might want to grow up. It's driving me insane.
- I'm always afraid of saying something stupid, I'm afraid I'd sound naive/insignificant/spoiled/teenagy.
- I don't know whether it's wrong or right to be like this, I keep on isolating myself from everything, sometimes it feels like I'm just enjoying my time alone, others it feels like I'm running away, from reality to the internet or photography or music or whatever. I'm getting to a point where I'd rather be alone in a bubble than with people, and sometimes it's people I love, who actually feel it and are bothered by it. My family thinks this is my way of being inconsiderate and cold, and I lost hope in them understanding anything, so it doesn't bother me this much anymore.
- I'm glad I'm out of his influence (at least temporarily) to think clearly, I'm glad in a rational way. I think I let go of half my IQ when I'm with him, and he's like God, anything he says is correct, which is VERY stupid of me. I'm a smart person and I shouldn't love like this. On the other hand, none of this smartness is as liberating as being with him.
- His eyes are hypnotic, I'm glad he taught me how to stare.
- I know it more than I know my name that I'll forget all this next time I talk to him, that thing that attracted me in the first place will do it all over again, only faster.
- The fact that my feelings are unreal because I'm a teenager makes me want to slap myself violently, I'm 100% sure that I want him, my attraction is both rational and irrational, which is the perfect combination. But theory says it's an illusion and I'll grow out of it. That could be the only reason I might want to grow up. It's driving me insane.
Friday, August 8, 2008
~
Molto I really love you bass bet3asabeeny w ba3dein tetday2y eni et3asabt
stop pushing me to do things
w 7awli te2ableeni 3ala ba3dy men gheir taslee7at
ana 3arfa enek mesh hatshoofy dah bas ana 3arfa en law oltelek keda hato3ody te7awly tesala7eeny tany
fa ba2oolo fel hawa
stop pushing me to do things
w 7awli te2ableeni 3ala ba3dy men gheir taslee7at
ana 3arfa enek mesh hatshoofy dah bas ana 3arfa en law oltelek keda hato3ody te7awly tesala7eeny tany
fa ba2oolo fel hawa
Thursday, August 7, 2008
random
- today I look very nice
- I really can enjoy my own company
- I like tea more than I think I do
- I want to dance with a boy at least once in my life time
- I should be nicer to people
- I'm very happy my nails aren't breaking anymore
- I like to wash dishes
- I should have more headscarves, and I should wear more green
- I'm still thinking about you
- I hope I don't look at things I wrote about you in a while and feel very stupid
- I should get a pedicure
- I miss my old biology teacher and feel very bad for getting a new one
- how my friends are reacting to me taking a distance exactly proves my point about them
- which means I'll take more distance and I'm happy that way
- I'm really smart, but sometimes my ego doesn't understand it
- I don't know whether it's right or wrong to have an ego that's as huge as mine
- I looked so much nicer when my hair was really long, but I still look nice
- I really really, despise authority, like really
- I really can enjoy my own company
- I like tea more than I think I do
- I want to dance with a boy at least once in my life time
- I should be nicer to people
- I'm very happy my nails aren't breaking anymore
- I like to wash dishes
- I should have more headscarves, and I should wear more green
- I'm still thinking about you
- I hope I don't look at things I wrote about you in a while and feel very stupid
- I should get a pedicure
- I miss my old biology teacher and feel very bad for getting a new one
- how my friends are reacting to me taking a distance exactly proves my point about them
- which means I'll take more distance and I'm happy that way
- I'm really smart, but sometimes my ego doesn't understand it
- I don't know whether it's right or wrong to have an ego that's as huge as mine
- I looked so much nicer when my hair was really long, but I still look nice
- I really really, despise authority, like really
Monday, August 4, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
-
I couldn't believe my eyes!
I seriously looked twice to double check if I was halucinating
it was you, your name on my phone screen
I write all this about you, and the next day you're calling me
and it's a loooong perfect conversation, awkward silences aren't awkward
I seriously looked twice to double check if I was halucinating
it was you, your name on my phone screen
I write all this about you, and the next day you're calling me
and it's a loooong perfect conversation, awkward silences aren't awkward
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Satisfaction
“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it.”
~ Margaret Thatcher
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
:)
I don't know whether this is it or not, but I'm happy :)
I'm happy, but not exceptionally, I've felt that before
I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, I don't want to change my mind and it's already too late
I'm not "swept off my feet", I just feel like smiling more often
It's not amazing, it's nice
I don't know if I'll be accepted the way I am, even though I got more than confirmations I would be
I don't know if I'll remain that happy
I don't know if it's worth the trouble
I don't know if it's right or not
But I'm just happy :) and it's all what's going to matter for now.
I'm happy, but not exceptionally, I've felt that before
I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, I don't want to change my mind and it's already too late
I'm not "swept off my feet", I just feel like smiling more often
It's not amazing, it's nice
I don't know if I'll be accepted the way I am, even though I got more than confirmations I would be
I don't know if I'll remain that happy
I don't know if it's worth the trouble
I don't know if it's right or not
But I'm just happy :) and it's all what's going to matter for now.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
I thought I shouldn't write about this, because saying things out loud makes them more real. But this is getting stupid and there's no one I can talk with about it.
I'm losing faith in most things, God is so invisible and distant. He's not answering my prayers, he's not talking to me. Usually when I get doubts, I really pray, from the bottom of my heart, and there's usually a sign, or what I think is a sign. This time when I prayed, it was please God, I need a sign, and I don't want to feel like I'm convincing myself with things that don't exist, I want a sign that's loud and clear, I'm not going to ask for a miracle, but my skeptic mind needs to be put to sleep for a while, I couldn't sleep that night and something felt awfully wrong.
Untill today I got no answer, maybe I haven't been awake enough, but still, God is capable of making me see things if he wants to. I'm sitting here trying to keep faith with absolutely no facts to support it. I feel stupid and lonely confused.
So for now my only prayer will go like that:
"Dear God, If you exist (and I'm sorry to say that), show me, SHOW ME, and show me how, I don't want any mixed messages, riddles or things open to interpretation, I want the truth, the pure and simple one. And if you don't exist, It was a pleasure knowing the one I thought you are. I'll probably spend the rest of my time sad and alone without you, but at least it will be the truth."
I'm losing faith in most things, God is so invisible and distant. He's not answering my prayers, he's not talking to me. Usually when I get doubts, I really pray, from the bottom of my heart, and there's usually a sign, or what I think is a sign. This time when I prayed, it was please God, I need a sign, and I don't want to feel like I'm convincing myself with things that don't exist, I want a sign that's loud and clear, I'm not going to ask for a miracle, but my skeptic mind needs to be put to sleep for a while, I couldn't sleep that night and something felt awfully wrong.
Untill today I got no answer, maybe I haven't been awake enough, but still, God is capable of making me see things if he wants to. I'm sitting here trying to keep faith with absolutely no facts to support it. I feel stupid and lonely confused.
So for now my only prayer will go like that:
"Dear God, If you exist (and I'm sorry to say that), show me, SHOW ME, and show me how, I don't want any mixed messages, riddles or things open to interpretation, I want the truth, the pure and simple one. And if you don't exist, It was a pleasure knowing the one I thought you are. I'll probably spend the rest of my time sad and alone without you, but at least it will be the truth."
Friday, May 16, 2008
dream!
I had the saddest dream of my life!!
I was pregnant and I lost my baby, I was so happy when I was pregnant, I couldn't breathe well, but I didn't care. I was just so happy, it was due soon. And suddenly I lost him, I gave birth to a dead baby. I was so sad. I was really sad. I woke up and teared a little.
Then I met my uncle's wife who's pregnant, and was a bit jealous of her.
I can't believe how stupid this is.
But my entire day was influenced by that dream. I was sad for the entire day.
I was pregnant and I lost my baby, I was so happy when I was pregnant, I couldn't breathe well, but I didn't care. I was just so happy, it was due soon. And suddenly I lost him, I gave birth to a dead baby. I was so sad. I was really sad. I woke up and teared a little.
Then I met my uncle's wife who's pregnant, and was a bit jealous of her.
I can't believe how stupid this is.
But my entire day was influenced by that dream. I was sad for the entire day.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I love..
- School
- My family
- Good time with friends
- Sudden attacks of being happy
- Time with God
- When my brother lies on my bed and refuses to get up because he doesn't want me to sleep yet
- When I torture him to make him get up
- Beautiful men
- Eye contact with people (particularly strangers)
- Biology
- Looking at a good picture
- Taking one
- Exams
- Most of my teachers
- Late night phone calls with close people
- Hugs that actually mean something
- Long walks
- The beach at night
- How sun makes hair smell this particular smell
- Eating contaminated food with friends because we have no money
- Crying with passion
- Stroking people's hair
- Swimming
- Apples
- Eating after being full just for the high of it
- The word "mouth"
- A good concert
- Coming home late just because I can
- Talking about my imaginary friend as if he were real
- New people
- Flip flops
- Making up words
- The warmth in my body after a deep breath
- Finishing a good book
- Dressing like a boy
- Dressing like a girl (on occassions)
- Being addicted to a good song
- Grey's Anatomy
- Collar bones
- Looking at really old pictures
- Reading things I wrote a long time ago
- Sneezing
- Ice cream
- Feet
- Having a cold and a red nose
- Cold water after being thirsty
- Animals (except for fish)
- The internet
- My name
- Babies
- Pregnant women
- Wearing shorts
- Microscopes
- Pencil colors
- Singing
- Being too lazy to smile or make an expression
- Long hair on men
- Short neat beards
- Film cameras
- Running into people I never thought I'd meet
- My family
- Good time with friends
- Sudden attacks of being happy
- Time with God
- When my brother lies on my bed and refuses to get up because he doesn't want me to sleep yet
- When I torture him to make him get up
- Beautiful men
- Eye contact with people (particularly strangers)
- Biology
- Looking at a good picture
- Taking one
- Exams
- Most of my teachers
- Late night phone calls with close people
- Hugs that actually mean something
- Long walks
- The beach at night
- How sun makes hair smell this particular smell
- Eating contaminated food with friends because we have no money
- Crying with passion
- Stroking people's hair
- Swimming
- Apples
- Eating after being full just for the high of it
- The word "mouth"
- A good concert
- Coming home late just because I can
- Talking about my imaginary friend as if he were real
- New people
- Flip flops
- Making up words
- The warmth in my body after a deep breath
- Finishing a good book
- Dressing like a boy
- Dressing like a girl (on occassions)
- Being addicted to a good song
- Grey's Anatomy
- Collar bones
- Looking at really old pictures
- Reading things I wrote a long time ago
- Sneezing
- Ice cream
- Feet
- Having a cold and a red nose
- Cold water after being thirsty
- Animals (except for fish)
- The internet
- My name
- Babies
- Pregnant women
- Wearing shorts
- Microscopes
- Pencil colors
- Singing
- Being too lazy to smile or make an expression
- Long hair on men
- Short neat beards
- Film cameras
- Running into people I never thought I'd meet
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
You have this way of dipping in and out of
Sight as things collide
Bridges burning softly in the night
And you have this way of falling in and out of
Time as it goes by
Passing silently with no goodbye
And I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And i agree with them whole-heartedly, I do
Telegram came today from a friend
Saying, "Where in the hell have you been?
Where are you goin'?"
I said, "I dont know, does the lonliness show?
And if so does it ever end?"
And I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do
You have this way of meaning everything and nothing to me
At the same time
Returning my hellos with goodbyes
'Cause I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do...
'Cause I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do...
And I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do
Sight as things collide
Bridges burning softly in the night
And you have this way of falling in and out of
Time as it goes by
Passing silently with no goodbye
And I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And i agree with them whole-heartedly, I do
Telegram came today from a friend
Saying, "Where in the hell have you been?
Where are you goin'?"
I said, "I dont know, does the lonliness show?
And if so does it ever end?"
And I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do
You have this way of meaning everything and nothing to me
At the same time
Returning my hellos with goodbyes
'Cause I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do...
'Cause I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do...
And I've spoken with all the other angels
They dont know what to do
And I agree with them whole-heartedly, I do
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
IGNORANCE
Today I'm feeling ignorant. Just that. Although I know and admit I'm human, I make mistakes and I can't possibly know everything, I feel so stupid and.. well.. ignorant.
I so hate the fact that I can't trust my feelings, but let's not get to that now, that's a whole way more complicated story.
I feel like I've made so many decisions or statements based on things I thought or told myself I knew, but did I, like really?!
People twist words, and I'm just stupid and ignorant enough to believe everything that seems to make sense on the surface, I don't know how to investigate. And like.. no memory span.
HELP FROM ABOVE PLEASE
I so hate the fact that I can't trust my feelings, but let's not get to that now, that's a whole way more complicated story.
I feel like I've made so many decisions or statements based on things I thought or told myself I knew, but did I, like really?!
People twist words, and I'm just stupid and ignorant enough to believe everything that seems to make sense on the surface, I don't know how to investigate. And like.. no memory span.
HELP FROM ABOVE PLEASE
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Why do you always seem so distant when he's around? Is it because he's so big and reckless and against most things you're trying to teach me??
I tried handling that today. I did to a little extent. But this is really an indication to a flaw in my relationship with you, or to the fact that there's a side of it I haven't taken care of. I so believe in you in all my moments, I feel you around, telling me what to do. But for some reason I'm oblivious to, you just seem like a myth or a theory when he's around. I'm so afraid this is a sign I secretly or subconciously idolize him. It seems so wrong imagining you're around when he's there.
You really are my best friend, I'm always listening. I just need you to help me out with this. I want you to make me feel you're always there and supportive, even when everyone around me doesn't care about you.
Love,
Me
I tried handling that today. I did to a little extent. But this is really an indication to a flaw in my relationship with you, or to the fact that there's a side of it I haven't taken care of. I so believe in you in all my moments, I feel you around, telling me what to do. But for some reason I'm oblivious to, you just seem like a myth or a theory when he's around. I'm so afraid this is a sign I secretly or subconciously idolize him. It seems so wrong imagining you're around when he's there.
You really are my best friend, I'm always listening. I just need you to help me out with this. I want you to make me feel you're always there and supportive, even when everyone around me doesn't care about you.
Love,
Me
Friday, April 18, 2008
Homesick
My previous post.. the video and the lyrics, they made me think about that.. being homesick.
It got me thinking about the definition of home in the first place, what home is to me. And the conclusion I got to is that home is the place you feel absolutely secure and out of the reach of anything threatening. I used to long for that feeling. Having faith in nothing, I had to feel this way, even though I thought I had faith.
I am very proud to declare the fact that this feeling has no place in my heart now. I can not be homesick. I have faith in Him. He will make everything okay. Even if the whole world is after me, I have Him, only HE has the ability to set things right.
Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for being my HOME.
It got me thinking about the definition of home in the first place, what home is to me. And the conclusion I got to is that home is the place you feel absolutely secure and out of the reach of anything threatening. I used to long for that feeling. Having faith in nothing, I had to feel this way, even though I thought I had faith.
I am very proud to declare the fact that this feeling has no place in my heart now. I can not be homesick. I have faith in Him. He will make everything okay. Even if the whole world is after me, I have Him, only HE has the ability to set things right.
Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for being my HOME.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive
I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices
Blended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I've found.
Every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me...
What are you doing here?
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear.
I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me,
Would wither in the light of my plan.
So I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy,
But there's only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter,
On a chance that on a tape I'd find...
A song for someone who needs somewhere to long for.
Homesick.
Because I no longer know where home is.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I want you out
Out of my system
out of my mind
You're fucking haunting me
You're like a disease
You've infected my thinking
Thanks to the notion of you
I can't even think like a human anymore
I only care about you
Nothing else
I can't care about other people because of you!!
I wish I could wish you disappear!!
But even that I can't do
Because then it will hurt like hell
wana mesh na2sa!!
I am in pain
Thanks to you
w ya reitak betsebny anam!!
I can't SLEEP because of you
I have no peace
I wish I never met you in the first place
I just wish you were in a state of non-existence
Because otherwise, you'd probably haunt my memories too
GOD
You're the only one capable of making this stop
please make it stop
please
can you even hear me??!!!
out of my mind
You're fucking haunting me
You're like a disease
You've infected my thinking
Thanks to the notion of you
I can't even think like a human anymore
I only care about you
Nothing else
I can't care about other people because of you!!
I wish I could wish you disappear!!
But even that I can't do
Because then it will hurt like hell
wana mesh na2sa!!
I am in pain
Thanks to you
w ya reitak betsebny anam!!
I can't SLEEP because of you
I have no peace
I wish I never met you in the first place
I just wish you were in a state of non-existence
Because otherwise, you'd probably haunt my memories too
GOD
You're the only one capable of making this stop
please make it stop
please
can you even hear me??!!!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The day I died
It all starts when you get hit hard, fate is too cruel to leave your juvenile new born feelings get by. It hurts so much that it leaves a trace of numbness behind. Your late night tears are so worthless and unheard that they begin to withdraw silently. They leave a void, an empty space with nothing. It is nothingness. It is dark. You begin to get used to it, for merely the long absence of light. You're afraid you'd get too attached to anything, because then you'll see some of it, some colors. We don't want that. Because then darkness would hurt. We don't want pain.
In the process of avoiding light, we begin to let go of everything it reminds us it even exists.
You try a new dessert, enjoy it a bit, then introduce yourself to the concept that you might never taste it again. And so you start convincing yourself it was just coincidence it stimulated your senses so much. It was an accident it tingled your dormant feelings. A mere delusion. You tell yourself you didn't like it that much anyway. You move on, giving out half forgotten smiles.
All feelings turn into one unmoving feeling, just a load. Even anger, you're too afraid to get angry, just in case you turn out wrong and hurt your pride, even a little. Tears are weighed down by that load, till they stop coming out. They're locked in their spacious dark cage called your chest.
Looking around, you see people laughing out loud, crying till they're out of burdens. You realize how much you've missed that, and curse how unable you've become to be like them. You wish you could just lay there on the floor and weep your heart out.
Then one day, on a random unplanned moment, you let yourself get a glimpse of how soothing love used to feel. God it was amazing! It feels almost too good to be true. It feels so good. And you've missed it so damn much!!
Yet again, silence prevails. This time it's different though, no unheard tears, no hurt. It didn't even have the grace to leave you enjoy the mere sentiment of pain.
Nothingness swallows you all over again.
For love is pain, pain is life, you are now dead.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Something's missing
I didn't want my second post to be so miserable.. since I'm usually not.. but it's been the mood lately.
I don't know what's missing, or I do, I'm just too stubborn to confess it to myself.
And I'm not letting God help, my ego is too possessive of me. I mentally know God cares more about me than the sins I've made, but I can't feel it. I can't just act like nothing happenned and pray before I sleep. I keep on picturing the same eyes that were watching me willingly and intentionally do it, I'm guessing he wasn't so happy with me then. Trying to tell myself he forgives me kind of implies he's too good to be true, or maybe a creature of imagination. damn doubts.
No introduction, no ending, just a rambling.
I don't know what's missing, or I do, I'm just too stubborn to confess it to myself.
And I'm not letting God help, my ego is too possessive of me. I mentally know God cares more about me than the sins I've made, but I can't feel it. I can't just act like nothing happenned and pray before I sleep. I keep on picturing the same eyes that were watching me willingly and intentionally do it, I'm guessing he wasn't so happy with me then. Trying to tell myself he forgives me kind of implies he's too good to be true, or maybe a creature of imagination. damn doubts.
No introduction, no ending, just a rambling.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
First post..
Well.. I felt it should be a bit introductory.. and so I thought, how could I introduce me.
I went blank. Not a word in my head.
Because the - highly relevant to the blog name - truth is that I know nothing about myself, zilch.
And I'm highly embarrassed by that realization.. I feel so clueless in comparison with people, you know.. how people say it so confidently, I love this, I love that.. I never do that, I'm so unsure.
''Know yourself'', Socrates said.
Dazzled and confused, is what my conclusion was.
I went blank. Not a word in my head.
Because the - highly relevant to the blog name - truth is that I know nothing about myself, zilch.
And I'm highly embarrassed by that realization.. I feel so clueless in comparison with people, you know.. how people say it so confidently, I love this, I love that.. I never do that, I'm so unsure.
''Know yourself'', Socrates said.
Dazzled and confused, is what my conclusion was.
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