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It's warm today

Forgetting's a blessing, even just for a while

Thank you

I want you out

Out of my system
out of my mind
You're fucking haunting me

You're like a disease
You've infected my thinking
Thanks to the notion of you
I can't even think like a human anymore

I only care about you
Nothing else
I can't care about other people because of you!!

I wish I could wish you disappear!!
But even that I can't do
Because then it will hurt like hell
wana mesh na2sa!!

I am in pain
Thanks to you
w ya reitak betsebny anam!!
I can't SLEEP because of you
I have no peace

I wish I never met you in the first place
I just wish you were in a state of non-existence
Because otherwise, you'd probably haunt my memories too

GOD
You're the only one capable of making this stop
please make it stop
please
can you even hear me??!!!

The day I died

It all starts when you get hit hard, fate is too cruel to leave your juvenile new born feelings get by. It hurts so much that it leaves a trace of numbness behind. Your late night tears are so worthless and unheard that they begin to withdraw silently. They leave a void, an empty space with nothing. It is nothingness. It is dark. You begin to get used to it, for merely the long absence of light. You're afraid you'd get too attached to anything, because then you'll see some of it, some colors. We don't want that. Because then darkness would hurt. We don't want pain.

In the process of avoiding light, we begin to let go of everything it reminds us it even exists.

You try a new dessert, enjoy it a bit, then introduce yourself to the concept that you might never taste it again. And so you start convincing yourself it was just coincidence it stimulated your senses so much. It was an accident it tingled your dormant feelings. A mere delusion. You tell yourself you didn't like it that much anyway. You move on, giving out half forgotten smiles.

All feelings turn into one unmoving feeling, just a load. Even anger, you're too afraid to get angry, just in case you turn out wrong and hurt your pride, even a little. Tears are weighed down by that load, till they stop coming out. They're locked in their spacious dark cage called your chest.

Looking around, you see people laughing out loud, crying till they're out of burdens. You realize how much you've missed that, and curse how unable you've become to be like them. You wish you could just lay there on the floor and weep your heart out.

Then one day, on a random unplanned moment, you let yourself get a glimpse of how soothing love used to feel. God it was amazing! It feels almost too good to be true. It feels so good. And you've missed it so damn much!!

Yet again, silence prevails. This time it's different though, no unheard tears, no hurt. It didn't even have the grace to leave you enjoy the mere sentiment of pain.

Nothingness swallows you all over again.

For love is pain, pain is life, you are now dead.

Something's missing

I didn't want my second post to be so miserable.. since I'm usually not.. but it's been the mood lately.

I don't know what's missing, or I do, I'm just too stubborn to confess it to myself.


And I'm not letting God help, my ego is too possessive of me. I mentally know God cares more about me than the sins I've made, but I can't feel it. I can't just act like nothing happenned and pray before I sleep. I keep on picturing the same eyes that were watching me willingly and intentionally do it, I'm guessing he wasn't so happy with me then. Trying to tell myself he forgives me kind of implies he's too good to be true, or maybe a creature of imagination. damn doubts.


No introduction, no ending, just a rambling.