Dear you (I don't know what else to call you),
The real you has chosen to leave. You've decided that my faults have overcome my good traits and that you're tired of doctoring me. I can't argue much, because I agree, truth be told. I'm tired of doctoring me too. Yet, now I'm left with myself and an imaginary you. One who still listens to me and babies me.
Do you know that I still don't know how to feel, or how to deal with anything?
I was standing on solid ground, and it disappeared. So I don't know how to feel but lost. I'm sorry to remind you of this dear, I'm sorry to bring up anything bad we could have told each other, but you've told me you never mattered to me. I believed it like I believe anything you tell me. I told myself the classic lines of how utterly impossible it was for me to have true affection for you and went and did the one thing you hated me to do, the one thing I pathologically enjoyed doing before I met you. If I hadn't changed, why did I not enjoy it? Why did you constantly appear in my head, even though I was more intoxicated than I probably ever was? Is this a dirty game of yours, to haunt me to my ends? Why did you have to not understand me like that? Why did you have to make me feel like the opposite of everything we've tried to make me together? Did you feel I hurt you too much to deserve being left with anything good you gave me? I'm so sorry to admit this to you now. You've ceased to try to understand me, and therefore will interpret this as ''typical me'', ''the deliberate mess in my brain that's as messy as my bedroom'', and I can't blame you dear, It's too much to ask of a human being to understand further.
I still don't understand, though. How can you invest a year in someone and then leave like that? Did you see yourself withdraw? Did you see how it looked like? The one I had feelings for must have at least had some guilt. We were an inch away from perfection, and you decided to take your toy box and leave. Did you ever think of it that way? Do you honestly wholeheartedly believe I haven't changed the least bit? Why do you see my faults as strengths while they're downright weaknesses? You and I know that. We know it like our names and our favourite songs and people. Why did you not think of that?
I still don't know what colour to want my hair to be. I didn't stop dying it black because you liked it black. What is it supposed to be now? Where's my favourite spot on earth supposed to be, now that our place together is supposed to be meaningless? And what the hell should I do with the raisins I bought you? How should I feel about raisins in the first place? Who should I escape to, dear? And why is imaginary you so silent? Who should I talk to when I get a nightmare? Who, after you will tolerate with staying on the phone until I fall asleep again? Who should be my escape and my comfort zone? Who should I count a million times when I count my blessings? Should I hate the way my hands look again, now that I should pretend you never existed? And all the music we loved together, that was all I listened to, what should I listen to now? Where am I supposed to get a new taste in music? When I'm in situations where I feel unwelcome or unloved, you naturally won't be there, so does this mean I should hit the wall or swallow rat poison for all you care? I don't know how to feel, love. I can't feel like a victim here, I can't let myself mourn the loss, it was all my fault in the first place and I took your tolerance for granted. I can't feel guilty either, it's a dead ended feeling and brings the regret on, too. Anger isn't an option, the only one I have to be angry with is myself. I wake up every day wanting to see you and erase that feeling, I look for another to replace it with and find nothing, just a huge space of being lost and empty and unimportant. An extra to my already existing suffocation.
I'm not finished yet, I still have so much more to tell you. I'm just tired trying to translate my suffocation into words.
Goodnight
Love,
Me
Showing posts with label So I'm a mess. Show all posts
Showing posts with label So I'm a mess. Show all posts
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
From the inside of a tunnel
I'm in a dark place.
I feel as helpless and as clueless as my child self
I always could see the hidden corners of me. Everything I did wrong was for a reason that I knew. Either to break down a God, feed a sense of deprivation, get back at someone or cradle one of my many other insanities.
But this time, I cannot see a thing. This ignorance and lack of solid ground is driving me to my ends.
And the images I see do not count, for they themselves, are more painful than the very state of blindness.
Foggy detailed snapshots of my childhood, incidents I thought I've forgotten.. the nostalgia itself is distasteful and disrespectful of my space
Unjustified persistent worries, over things as trivial as air
And nightlong nightmares of mutated darkened scenarios of my worst fears
I wonder how God ever approved of the existence of nightmares, let alone being stuck in them, and having them repeat themselves relentlessly.
There is no eloquent manner of expressing a state of mere fear of the dark.
The effect of this condition on me isn't an illusion, as I'm amused to call everything I feel
It has done enough to prove it's not, and miraculously leaked its way out of the numbness on my chest.
It actually managed to put the ducts behind my eyes to work before the rustiness in them blocked them permanently; one thing that counts for the peculiar state of being.
A year has gone by since we've been together. Not once throughout it has he failed to nurse me in my ordeals, all trivial and substantial. It earned him my trust and sincere emotion.
For the first time, I cannot but remain tongue tied to how he is towards this. He unmistakably preferred his peace of mind and drug of choice over supporting me. Bearing in mind he's the only one who knows how dark it is in here.
I'm not suicidal, and I'm not a pessimist. But in this state of suffocation, I truly wish I reach my final breath. It's not alright being in a state of constant suffocation.
At least not for me.
I feel as helpless and as clueless as my child self
I always could see the hidden corners of me. Everything I did wrong was for a reason that I knew. Either to break down a God, feed a sense of deprivation, get back at someone or cradle one of my many other insanities.
But this time, I cannot see a thing. This ignorance and lack of solid ground is driving me to my ends.
And the images I see do not count, for they themselves, are more painful than the very state of blindness.
Foggy detailed snapshots of my childhood, incidents I thought I've forgotten.. the nostalgia itself is distasteful and disrespectful of my space
Unjustified persistent worries, over things as trivial as air
And nightlong nightmares of mutated darkened scenarios of my worst fears
I wonder how God ever approved of the existence of nightmares, let alone being stuck in them, and having them repeat themselves relentlessly.
There is no eloquent manner of expressing a state of mere fear of the dark.
The effect of this condition on me isn't an illusion, as I'm amused to call everything I feel
It has done enough to prove it's not, and miraculously leaked its way out of the numbness on my chest.
It actually managed to put the ducts behind my eyes to work before the rustiness in them blocked them permanently; one thing that counts for the peculiar state of being.
A year has gone by since we've been together. Not once throughout it has he failed to nurse me in my ordeals, all trivial and substantial. It earned him my trust and sincere emotion.
For the first time, I cannot but remain tongue tied to how he is towards this. He unmistakably preferred his peace of mind and drug of choice over supporting me. Bearing in mind he's the only one who knows how dark it is in here.
I'm not suicidal, and I'm not a pessimist. But in this state of suffocation, I truly wish I reach my final breath. It's not alright being in a state of constant suffocation.
At least not for me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Revelation
I have successfully violated all my half baked standards of being a good person.
I'm not a good person.
Not because of something I've done, It's something I repetitively habitually wholeheartedly do and tell myself I won't do it again every time I do it
Not only that it hurts me and my self image irreversibly, It also hurts and misleads people I love, in ways I would never ever accept to be hurt.
The thing is, this time, I admit I'll do it again. And I admit I'm not a good person because of it.
And I don't know what to do about it.
I'm not a good person.
Not because of something I've done, It's something I repetitively habitually wholeheartedly do and tell myself I won't do it again every time I do it
Not only that it hurts me and my self image irreversibly, It also hurts and misleads people I love, in ways I would never ever accept to be hurt.
The thing is, this time, I admit I'll do it again. And I admit I'm not a good person because of it.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Flying
I wrote this on a plane, It's nothing new or special, It's just a recording of my thoughts, don't read if you don't have much time =) :
This is my second time ever. First time could or could not count. I was about six I think. With the imagination of a six year old I pictured a euphoric experience on something that's more of a magic flying mat than an aeroplane, didn't happen of course. I was too small to comfortably watch anything, I was disturbed by the noise (which seemed so much louder than it actually is now), my ears hurt like hell. That's all I can remember. It was disappointing.
Now I go on the plane - back from where I went - which looks a hell lot smaller than it did back then. The walkways are so narrow, they could fit one person max. I'm greeted by a hideous flight attendant. She's so hideous I can't look at her long enough to smile back. I see another one behind her, who's less hideous. Then realize that, by technical measures, number 1 is prettier than 2. I just saw her as uglier because of mostly her tattooed eyebrows and massive amounts of make up.
I still can't stand the noise, actually as I write this I realize how much I can't stand it. I'm glad I have the music to distract me from it, distract me not hide it. We're still on the ground. On the flight headed here I expected the land part would take so long like it had seemed to me long ago, but it didn't. Now we're taking off, It's such a good feeling. It's not happy, It's good. I stick my face to the window. I get this thought that I'm in a fridge but I brush it off. Lights are getting further. My song of the week (currently favorite song) is on. He comes up in my head for no reason and without permission, like he normally does, second time we said goodbye in particular. This feels very close to it. My feelings are in constant hibernation, they tend to wake up at goodbyes or when I see/talk to him, then go back to sleep. Even though nothing about this trip was particularly orgasmic, I liked it. I liked this place. It's a lot like him. He told me I'd like it. I won't get to tell him about it anyway. This isn't a fight or a break up, It's a general silence caused by me being impulsive and saying something stupid. It's making me feel like crying most of the time but never feeling it strongly enough to actually cry. The sight of the lights going further kind of touches my feelings out of hibernation a little. My eyes get a bit wet, but not wet enough to produce a tear.
Too bad, would have felt good
I give myself a mental slap on the face. I need to stop relating everything back to him like that. There are other things I should or could be thinking about.
Both flight attendants are next to me now, number 1 is asking someone what they want to drink. As she pours the drink I inspect her. Her eyebrows are so repulsive. So extremely repulsive they remind me I'm nauseous. Her bubble gum pink blush is concentrated in big damaged pores on her cheeks. She has a perfect nose and goddess cheek bones, but I fail to see any beauty in them. Number 2 has big teeth, a bit of a horse like smile. Her eyes are too round but eventually pretty. I like her hair color, It's obviously highlighted but unlike most Egyptians, It's integrated with her natural color. She has it pulled back in the kind of way you do your hair when you're running late. I like her a lot more. I get a childish desire to have her offer me a drink, not number 1, even though I don't want a drink.
Two little girls are crying/whining/being noisy on the row behind me. One is about 3 years old and the other is a baby on her mother's shoulder. I had seen them earlier at the airport, and done my share of staring at them. Both of them have big beautiful black eyes. I look into the older one's eyes and get the normal urge I get, to basically grab her and run (plane is making a turn, I love this) every time I hear them I get the same urge. I wonder If It's a genuine feeling or just an impulse/phase. The entire plane can't stand them, they're very noisy. Their mother is trying too hard to make them keep quiet but they don't. I like the older one more. I want her to be my daughter. I want her to be smart like me. And I remind myself I need to stop having deranged ideas like that. The way they're talking is only making the itch stronger.
Cairo is here. There's a sea of lights down there. They bring back the crying feeling, but it quickly disappears. It's replaced by a reminder of how much I don't want to be here. I hate Cairo right now. I don't want to be in Cairo. All the adult, teenage and child parts of me are objecting at the moment. Now we're landing. I was too angry to realize how close we were to the ground a few minutes ago.
The way to work, the way to school, the entrance to my building, the stupid elevator, the sex starved staring men on the streets, the insomnia, the curfews, the assignments, the god damn gasoline smell of this city
I don't want to be here.
This is my second time ever. First time could or could not count. I was about six I think. With the imagination of a six year old I pictured a euphoric experience on something that's more of a magic flying mat than an aeroplane, didn't happen of course. I was too small to comfortably watch anything, I was disturbed by the noise (which seemed so much louder than it actually is now), my ears hurt like hell. That's all I can remember. It was disappointing.
Now I go on the plane - back from where I went - which looks a hell lot smaller than it did back then. The walkways are so narrow, they could fit one person max. I'm greeted by a hideous flight attendant. She's so hideous I can't look at her long enough to smile back. I see another one behind her, who's less hideous. Then realize that, by technical measures, number 1 is prettier than 2. I just saw her as uglier because of mostly her tattooed eyebrows and massive amounts of make up.
I still can't stand the noise, actually as I write this I realize how much I can't stand it. I'm glad I have the music to distract me from it, distract me not hide it. We're still on the ground. On the flight headed here I expected the land part would take so long like it had seemed to me long ago, but it didn't. Now we're taking off, It's such a good feeling. It's not happy, It's good. I stick my face to the window. I get this thought that I'm in a fridge but I brush it off. Lights are getting further. My song of the week (currently favorite song) is on. He comes up in my head for no reason and without permission, like he normally does, second time we said goodbye in particular. This feels very close to it. My feelings are in constant hibernation, they tend to wake up at goodbyes or when I see/talk to him, then go back to sleep. Even though nothing about this trip was particularly orgasmic, I liked it. I liked this place. It's a lot like him. He told me I'd like it. I won't get to tell him about it anyway. This isn't a fight or a break up, It's a general silence caused by me being impulsive and saying something stupid. It's making me feel like crying most of the time but never feeling it strongly enough to actually cry. The sight of the lights going further kind of touches my feelings out of hibernation a little. My eyes get a bit wet, but not wet enough to produce a tear.
Too bad, would have felt good
I give myself a mental slap on the face. I need to stop relating everything back to him like that. There are other things I should or could be thinking about.
Both flight attendants are next to me now, number 1 is asking someone what they want to drink. As she pours the drink I inspect her. Her eyebrows are so repulsive. So extremely repulsive they remind me I'm nauseous. Her bubble gum pink blush is concentrated in big damaged pores on her cheeks. She has a perfect nose and goddess cheek bones, but I fail to see any beauty in them. Number 2 has big teeth, a bit of a horse like smile. Her eyes are too round but eventually pretty. I like her hair color, It's obviously highlighted but unlike most Egyptians, It's integrated with her natural color. She has it pulled back in the kind of way you do your hair when you're running late. I like her a lot more. I get a childish desire to have her offer me a drink, not number 1, even though I don't want a drink.
Two little girls are crying/whining/being noisy on the row behind me. One is about 3 years old and the other is a baby on her mother's shoulder. I had seen them earlier at the airport, and done my share of staring at them. Both of them have big beautiful black eyes. I look into the older one's eyes and get the normal urge I get, to basically grab her and run (plane is making a turn, I love this) every time I hear them I get the same urge. I wonder If It's a genuine feeling or just an impulse/phase. The entire plane can't stand them, they're very noisy. Their mother is trying too hard to make them keep quiet but they don't. I like the older one more. I want her to be my daughter. I want her to be smart like me. And I remind myself I need to stop having deranged ideas like that. The way they're talking is only making the itch stronger.
Cairo is here. There's a sea of lights down there. They bring back the crying feeling, but it quickly disappears. It's replaced by a reminder of how much I don't want to be here. I hate Cairo right now. I don't want to be in Cairo. All the adult, teenage and child parts of me are objecting at the moment. Now we're landing. I was too angry to realize how close we were to the ground a few minutes ago.
The way to work, the way to school, the entrance to my building, the stupid elevator, the sex starved staring men on the streets, the insomnia, the curfews, the assignments, the god damn gasoline smell of this city
I don't want to be here.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
couldn't think of anything proper to write so will resort to random statements for the 3478753th time
Being around kids too much has refreshed my perception of honesty
That's a reason why I don't want to leave
The fact that I have a job makes my parents respect me a whole lot more
I can't lose that after having it
and having enough money to buy stuff I've wanted for a long time
and having my life too busy and crowded to have time to do stupid impulsive things
But I'm not good enough for it
I have an urge to tell them they're throwing their money away by hiring me
This isn't me doubting myself, It's just me admitting I'm not skilled and patient enough for that kind of work
I'm not even a committed person
I'm treating this like an impulse of mine, do it, suck the life out of it and leave it behind
I hate this, they have expectations of me, I feel like I'm failing them
I don't love the job
I don't have any motivation to wake up in the morning
I have to spend a whole lot of time starting the persuading myself why I have to get up process
and often fail eventually
I do not feel like I'm doing something with my life.
end.
That's a reason why I don't want to leave
The fact that I have a job makes my parents respect me a whole lot more
I can't lose that after having it
and having enough money to buy stuff I've wanted for a long time
and having my life too busy and crowded to have time to do stupid impulsive things
But I'm not good enough for it
I have an urge to tell them they're throwing their money away by hiring me
This isn't me doubting myself, It's just me admitting I'm not skilled and patient enough for that kind of work
I'm not even a committed person
I'm treating this like an impulse of mine, do it, suck the life out of it and leave it behind
I hate this, they have expectations of me, I feel like I'm failing them
I don't love the job
I don't have any motivation to wake up in the morning
I have to spend a whole lot of time starting the persuading myself why I have to get up process
and often fail eventually
I do not feel like I'm doing something with my life.
end.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
-
I'm truly too messed up to write a decent post
this will be very random
it's more of a tantrum than talking
I don't even have the energy to arrange my senteces
circles
my thoughts are becoming roundabout
or dead ended
something of that sort
my mood swings are making me so angry at myself
they're not mood swings in the first place
they're just rediculous attempts of trying to make myself momentally happy to forget about everything that's making me unhappy on the long term
normally by doing something stupid
and then, the downfall
figures
how come I keep on repeating the same mistake even though I positively know I'll be miserable when the high is over
I'm not angry at God, at all
I love God
but I just wish he talks to me more often
or more clearly
I just want to know if he's upset with me
I don't feel like waking up
or getting out of bed if I did
I force myself to go back to sleep
Everytime I wake up and remember all the chaos, I keep on hoping it's a nightmare, then realize it's not, then want to crawl into a corner and die
I want to make the people who love me happy
but I don't want to live, grow, and die in the bottom of a bottle
I'm just confused to death
I don't want to have people listen to my whining
or live with me being miserable like that
so I just make up a shell and go in it
I'll go to bed now
and sleep in a really long time because I can't sleep right away
and then not want to wake up
again
and again and again and again
this will be very random
it's more of a tantrum than talking
I don't even have the energy to arrange my senteces
circles
my thoughts are becoming roundabout
or dead ended
something of that sort
my mood swings are making me so angry at myself
they're not mood swings in the first place
they're just rediculous attempts of trying to make myself momentally happy to forget about everything that's making me unhappy on the long term
normally by doing something stupid
and then, the downfall
figures
how come I keep on repeating the same mistake even though I positively know I'll be miserable when the high is over
I'm not angry at God, at all
I love God
but I just wish he talks to me more often
or more clearly
I just want to know if he's upset with me
I don't feel like waking up
or getting out of bed if I did
I force myself to go back to sleep
Everytime I wake up and remember all the chaos, I keep on hoping it's a nightmare, then realize it's not, then want to crawl into a corner and die
I want to make the people who love me happy
but I don't want to live, grow, and die in the bottom of a bottle
I'm just confused to death
I don't want to have people listen to my whining
or live with me being miserable like that
so I just make up a shell and go in it
I'll go to bed now
and sleep in a really long time because I can't sleep right away
and then not want to wake up
again
and again and again and again
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
random (again and again)
I'm too exhausted to write
Let's just say the world is so frustrating that it makes me silent
My back is killing me
It feels like it's seriously unsafe to be on the street anymore
something must be wrong with my attitude, it's probably driving people away, this can't be coincidence
I want a cat so bad
Being frustrated is better than being bored/numb actually
friends.. I miss big loud groups of friends, they're great distraction material, distraction from too much thinking
I'm so glad I'm back to art, It's making these days slightly less depressing
did I mention how much I hate October?! I'm always unhappy in October, I'm not blaming October, it just happens to be that way
Let's just say the world is so frustrating that it makes me silent
My back is killing me
It feels like it's seriously unsafe to be on the street anymore
something must be wrong with my attitude, it's probably driving people away, this can't be coincidence
I want a cat so bad
Being frustrated is better than being bored/numb actually
friends.. I miss big loud groups of friends, they're great distraction material, distraction from too much thinking
I'm so glad I'm back to art, It's making these days slightly less depressing
did I mention how much I hate October?! I'm always unhappy in October, I'm not blaming October, it just happens to be that way
Monday, September 29, 2008
''If I am a present, I should be fully wrapped''
Beyond all wisdom
The question remains
Why me?
Why is it that while It's so wrong for me to do one thing, it's so normal for another person to do the same exact thing, just because they're them and I'm me? And it's something you and I both know is harmless?!
And it's people who are not so distant, they're in fact closest family and friends. They're greeted with warm hypocrisy by the same people who design the taboos.
Not particularly me, why does it happen in the world?
Why did God make me if he knew that I'd suffer? And the suffering I'm talking about is because of a stupid fallen world?
Why was I born into all this complication?
God, I'm really sorry to say this, but the only conclusion this has lead me to is that YOU'RE SO DAMN UNFAIR
The problem is I can't fully blame them for that
They're so brainwashed into this crap
The problem isn't a symptom like "wear this and wear that"
They're forced into that ignorant ice age perception of me
They just choose to continue living the illusion
To them, I'm a cute little thing who they'll play with a little then hand to her inevitable destiny, just because the ancestors and their so called "God" says so.
Hence it is completely acceptable and predictable that they expect me to behave like a present, and it shouldn't surprise me so much.
There IS what's wrong and what's right, what's fair and what's unfair
Before you wonder why I'm not listening, have you bothered to ask yourselves what they are?! whether or not it's fair to me?
And just for your information, I DO listen, hoping something new to hear. But I never do.
Once again, I talk to myself like I'm insane, whine a little, object and tell myself it's sad..
Then I go to bed, wake up the next morning, and decide it's easier to forget. I act like I have no problem with the shower of orders I get because that it's eventually what will make them happy and spare me the headache. I pretend that I'm a happy flower rainbow butterfly child and that nothing can get in the way of that. I do things that really contradict my beliefs and conscience just to make sure that happens.
And that now, is absolute justice.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
?
I'm not depressed
I'm not a sad person
I'm just unhappy
and the more time passes the less I'm able to enjoy things
I have God in my life
I have family and friends that love me
I have almost all the material things I want
I have good looks
I'm academically alright
I have some talents
I really think I accept my life
I don't have all the freedom there is in the world, but for someone my age with my mistakes, it's not bad.
and I can't keep on scapegoating him
a man just can't be the answer
What is it that's missing?
I'm not a sad person
I'm just unhappy
and the more time passes the less I'm able to enjoy things
I have God in my life
I have family and friends that love me
I have almost all the material things I want
I have good looks
I'm academically alright
I have some talents
I really think I accept my life
I don't have all the freedom there is in the world, but for someone my age with my mistakes, it's not bad.
and I can't keep on scapegoating him
a man just can't be the answer
What is it that's missing?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
random |||
I feel like writing something but I don't know what it is so I'll just talk a lot
Is this loneliness? or what? I'm feeling something that isn't good, it's there all the time and i feel it worst when I'm alone, it makes me want to look at myself in the mirror a lot.
I keep on wishing for more freedom, I can't even use the freedom I have already correctly, or can I, I'm rational most of the time, but when I'm pressured or empty or sad I behave like I have the right to do anything. I don't know, I just feel like I'm suffocating a lot.
Where's right and where's wrong? Why doesn't life come with a manual?
and I'm SO irresponsible
or my responsibilities are too meaningless
I don't know
I'm so unsure on how I'll behave with real responsiblities
hence comes my confusion with where self trust ends and begins
Imagination is so great. But sitting there day dreaming for hours doesn't solve anything, and makes reality look hideous.
Why does God talk always come in boring books or cliche phrases?
Why doesn't God talk to me? Why doesn't he help end my confusion?
when did my sister get so mean?
These girls, they're so in a world of their own, I feel like I'm on another planet when I'm with them. I honestly feel like I'm a devil. I know I wouldn't be happy if I were like them, I've tried. But yet their lives seem so clean and trouble free.
Social rules are the most ironic useless myth of human history
It's me who doesn't listen. Right.
Is this loneliness? or what? I'm feeling something that isn't good, it's there all the time and i feel it worst when I'm alone, it makes me want to look at myself in the mirror a lot.
I keep on wishing for more freedom, I can't even use the freedom I have already correctly, or can I, I'm rational most of the time, but when I'm pressured or empty or sad I behave like I have the right to do anything. I don't know, I just feel like I'm suffocating a lot.
Where's right and where's wrong? Why doesn't life come with a manual?
and I'm SO irresponsible
or my responsibilities are too meaningless
I don't know
I'm so unsure on how I'll behave with real responsiblities
hence comes my confusion with where self trust ends and begins
Imagination is so great. But sitting there day dreaming for hours doesn't solve anything, and makes reality look hideous.
Why does God talk always come in boring books or cliche phrases?
Why doesn't God talk to me? Why doesn't he help end my confusion?
when did my sister get so mean?
These girls, they're so in a world of their own, I feel like I'm on another planet when I'm with them. I honestly feel like I'm a devil. I know I wouldn't be happy if I were like them, I've tried. But yet their lives seem so clean and trouble free.
Social rules are the most ironic useless myth of human history
It's me who doesn't listen. Right.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
random II
- There's so many things I want to say but can't, I don't know how to word them, they sound so normal as thoughts, but once I think about how they'll sound I feel very stupid.
- I'm always afraid of saying something stupid, I'm afraid I'd sound naive/insignificant/spoiled/teenagy.
- I don't know whether it's wrong or right to be like this, I keep on isolating myself from everything, sometimes it feels like I'm just enjoying my time alone, others it feels like I'm running away, from reality to the internet or photography or music or whatever. I'm getting to a point where I'd rather be alone in a bubble than with people, and sometimes it's people I love, who actually feel it and are bothered by it. My family thinks this is my way of being inconsiderate and cold, and I lost hope in them understanding anything, so it doesn't bother me this much anymore.
- I'm glad I'm out of his influence (at least temporarily) to think clearly, I'm glad in a rational way. I think I let go of half my IQ when I'm with him, and he's like God, anything he says is correct, which is VERY stupid of me. I'm a smart person and I shouldn't love like this. On the other hand, none of this smartness is as liberating as being with him.
- His eyes are hypnotic, I'm glad he taught me how to stare.
- I know it more than I know my name that I'll forget all this next time I talk to him, that thing that attracted me in the first place will do it all over again, only faster.
- The fact that my feelings are unreal because I'm a teenager makes me want to slap myself violently, I'm 100% sure that I want him, my attraction is both rational and irrational, which is the perfect combination. But theory says it's an illusion and I'll grow out of it. That could be the only reason I might want to grow up. It's driving me insane.
- I'm always afraid of saying something stupid, I'm afraid I'd sound naive/insignificant/spoiled/teenagy.
- I don't know whether it's wrong or right to be like this, I keep on isolating myself from everything, sometimes it feels like I'm just enjoying my time alone, others it feels like I'm running away, from reality to the internet or photography or music or whatever. I'm getting to a point where I'd rather be alone in a bubble than with people, and sometimes it's people I love, who actually feel it and are bothered by it. My family thinks this is my way of being inconsiderate and cold, and I lost hope in them understanding anything, so it doesn't bother me this much anymore.
- I'm glad I'm out of his influence (at least temporarily) to think clearly, I'm glad in a rational way. I think I let go of half my IQ when I'm with him, and he's like God, anything he says is correct, which is VERY stupid of me. I'm a smart person and I shouldn't love like this. On the other hand, none of this smartness is as liberating as being with him.
- His eyes are hypnotic, I'm glad he taught me how to stare.
- I know it more than I know my name that I'll forget all this next time I talk to him, that thing that attracted me in the first place will do it all over again, only faster.
- The fact that my feelings are unreal because I'm a teenager makes me want to slap myself violently, I'm 100% sure that I want him, my attraction is both rational and irrational, which is the perfect combination. But theory says it's an illusion and I'll grow out of it. That could be the only reason I might want to grow up. It's driving me insane.
Friday, August 8, 2008
~
Molto I really love you bass bet3asabeeny w ba3dein tetday2y eni et3asabt
stop pushing me to do things
w 7awli te2ableeni 3ala ba3dy men gheir taslee7at
ana 3arfa enek mesh hatshoofy dah bas ana 3arfa en law oltelek keda hato3ody te7awly tesala7eeny tany
fa ba2oolo fel hawa
stop pushing me to do things
w 7awli te2ableeni 3ala ba3dy men gheir taslee7at
ana 3arfa enek mesh hatshoofy dah bas ana 3arfa en law oltelek keda hato3ody te7awly tesala7eeny tany
fa ba2oolo fel hawa
Thursday, August 7, 2008
random
- today I look very nice
- I really can enjoy my own company
- I like tea more than I think I do
- I want to dance with a boy at least once in my life time
- I should be nicer to people
- I'm very happy my nails aren't breaking anymore
- I like to wash dishes
- I should have more headscarves, and I should wear more green
- I'm still thinking about you
- I hope I don't look at things I wrote about you in a while and feel very stupid
- I should get a pedicure
- I miss my old biology teacher and feel very bad for getting a new one
- how my friends are reacting to me taking a distance exactly proves my point about them
- which means I'll take more distance and I'm happy that way
- I'm really smart, but sometimes my ego doesn't understand it
- I don't know whether it's right or wrong to have an ego that's as huge as mine
- I looked so much nicer when my hair was really long, but I still look nice
- I really really, despise authority, like really
- I really can enjoy my own company
- I like tea more than I think I do
- I want to dance with a boy at least once in my life time
- I should be nicer to people
- I'm very happy my nails aren't breaking anymore
- I like to wash dishes
- I should have more headscarves, and I should wear more green
- I'm still thinking about you
- I hope I don't look at things I wrote about you in a while and feel very stupid
- I should get a pedicure
- I miss my old biology teacher and feel very bad for getting a new one
- how my friends are reacting to me taking a distance exactly proves my point about them
- which means I'll take more distance and I'm happy that way
- I'm really smart, but sometimes my ego doesn't understand it
- I don't know whether it's right or wrong to have an ego that's as huge as mine
- I looked so much nicer when my hair was really long, but I still look nice
- I really really, despise authority, like really
Friday, August 1, 2008
-
I couldn't believe my eyes!
I seriously looked twice to double check if I was halucinating
it was you, your name on my phone screen
I write all this about you, and the next day you're calling me
and it's a loooong perfect conversation, awkward silences aren't awkward
I seriously looked twice to double check if I was halucinating
it was you, your name on my phone screen
I write all this about you, and the next day you're calling me
and it's a loooong perfect conversation, awkward silences aren't awkward
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
:)
I don't know whether this is it or not, but I'm happy :)
I'm happy, but not exceptionally, I've felt that before
I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, I don't want to change my mind and it's already too late
I'm not "swept off my feet", I just feel like smiling more often
It's not amazing, it's nice
I don't know if I'll be accepted the way I am, even though I got more than confirmations I would be
I don't know if I'll remain that happy
I don't know if it's worth the trouble
I don't know if it's right or not
But I'm just happy :) and it's all what's going to matter for now.
I'm happy, but not exceptionally, I've felt that before
I don't want to hurt anyone in the process, I don't want to change my mind and it's already too late
I'm not "swept off my feet", I just feel like smiling more often
It's not amazing, it's nice
I don't know if I'll be accepted the way I am, even though I got more than confirmations I would be
I don't know if I'll remain that happy
I don't know if it's worth the trouble
I don't know if it's right or not
But I'm just happy :) and it's all what's going to matter for now.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
I thought I shouldn't write about this, because saying things out loud makes them more real. But this is getting stupid and there's no one I can talk with about it.
I'm losing faith in most things, God is so invisible and distant. He's not answering my prayers, he's not talking to me. Usually when I get doubts, I really pray, from the bottom of my heart, and there's usually a sign, or what I think is a sign. This time when I prayed, it was please God, I need a sign, and I don't want to feel like I'm convincing myself with things that don't exist, I want a sign that's loud and clear, I'm not going to ask for a miracle, but my skeptic mind needs to be put to sleep for a while, I couldn't sleep that night and something felt awfully wrong.
Untill today I got no answer, maybe I haven't been awake enough, but still, God is capable of making me see things if he wants to. I'm sitting here trying to keep faith with absolutely no facts to support it. I feel stupid and lonely confused.
So for now my only prayer will go like that:
"Dear God, If you exist (and I'm sorry to say that), show me, SHOW ME, and show me how, I don't want any mixed messages, riddles or things open to interpretation, I want the truth, the pure and simple one. And if you don't exist, It was a pleasure knowing the one I thought you are. I'll probably spend the rest of my time sad and alone without you, but at least it will be the truth."
I'm losing faith in most things, God is so invisible and distant. He's not answering my prayers, he's not talking to me. Usually when I get doubts, I really pray, from the bottom of my heart, and there's usually a sign, or what I think is a sign. This time when I prayed, it was please God, I need a sign, and I don't want to feel like I'm convincing myself with things that don't exist, I want a sign that's loud and clear, I'm not going to ask for a miracle, but my skeptic mind needs to be put to sleep for a while, I couldn't sleep that night and something felt awfully wrong.
Untill today I got no answer, maybe I haven't been awake enough, but still, God is capable of making me see things if he wants to. I'm sitting here trying to keep faith with absolutely no facts to support it. I feel stupid and lonely confused.
So for now my only prayer will go like that:
"Dear God, If you exist (and I'm sorry to say that), show me, SHOW ME, and show me how, I don't want any mixed messages, riddles or things open to interpretation, I want the truth, the pure and simple one. And if you don't exist, It was a pleasure knowing the one I thought you are. I'll probably spend the rest of my time sad and alone without you, but at least it will be the truth."
Friday, May 16, 2008
dream!
I had the saddest dream of my life!!
I was pregnant and I lost my baby, I was so happy when I was pregnant, I couldn't breathe well, but I didn't care. I was just so happy, it was due soon. And suddenly I lost him, I gave birth to a dead baby. I was so sad. I was really sad. I woke up and teared a little.
Then I met my uncle's wife who's pregnant, and was a bit jealous of her.
I can't believe how stupid this is.
But my entire day was influenced by that dream. I was sad for the entire day.
I was pregnant and I lost my baby, I was so happy when I was pregnant, I couldn't breathe well, but I didn't care. I was just so happy, it was due soon. And suddenly I lost him, I gave birth to a dead baby. I was so sad. I was really sad. I woke up and teared a little.
Then I met my uncle's wife who's pregnant, and was a bit jealous of her.
I can't believe how stupid this is.
But my entire day was influenced by that dream. I was sad for the entire day.
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