...

I wish I was able to sketch anything, or take a picture.

I wish I wasn't spending my time, instead, being jealous of her.

I wish I wasn't jealous of her likes either.

And I wish this wishing took me anywhere.

To Reconcile

To start filtering your life of any activity other than what you want to do, and only that. No pleasing and no pursuit of others' satisfaction..

To gather all the affection you had scattered around in a box and bury it at the underground of your consciousness..

To not enjoy something too much, and not ache for something too much either..

To learn to start being nice to yourself, because you can't depend on anyone else to cradle you..

To actively eradicate all the memories/pictures/music/habits of your past way of living. Pretty much anything that provokes its return..

To be as coherent as a brick wall, and not let anyone in until you've completely healed..

To grow a special area in your brain just for thought surveillance. If any thought of longing appears, eliminate immediately..

And to word all this into clear ordered thoughts, to have it visible enough to start applying it..

Is to be self sufficient; To reconcile.

~

Dear God,

Good morning. I'm failing to get the message here.

Love,
Me

Letter

Dear God,

Thanks for giving me such a beautiful face.

Love,
Me

Like Hell

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
~Edna St Vincent Millay

I am free

Dear God,

Can I thank you enough?! It's like your surprise present to me, and not just any present, it's a present that shows you love me. It's exactly what I needed, and even I couldn't pinpoint that!

Could it have gone in a more smooth way? Even though the timing seemed wrong, it was just right. I love you God, I love you so much and you're there to walk me through my troubles even when I forget you. At the peak of things, I could feel you right there, right next to me, in your full supportive presence. How can I express how much I love you?!

I am happy.

And most importantly, I am free.

...
..
.

To Grow

To present a structured argument to one's parent and remain strong throughout

To not start neurotic motion such as nail biting or leg shaking

To not break down into powder and start bringing up 100 year old issues in a high pitched tone

To not feel like the worst person in the universe and to feel that you actually believe in what you've pushed yourself to talk about

Is a sign you're grown

...
..
.