Dear God,

Everytime I think I don't like this blog, I browse through it and remember that I love it. It holds pieces of me. I don't like to see myself or anything I've said from time to time. From time to time I erase myself, my pictures and tear any piece of paper I find with some mutterings of my words. I love this blog. I grew a habit of talking to you through it, in a language that's not even mine, but it's made us a language. I know that you hear prayers in gibberish so I assume you will hear me? :) I don't know..

I love you God, I love to sit there and meditate you. I don't have to say many things or beg for my wishes, at least not if they don't jump to my tongue wanting you to hear them. I love your presence. It's peaceful. The only way I can tell you exist is that it feels different when you're around. It feels peaceful and nothing simpler.

I've met this woman and I reckon you know her. She wants me to be a Christian. Do I want to be a Christian?? I don't know. I feel comfortable with the way Christians address God. I like the way they describe him. I won't get into anything intellectual because this is not the answer, it doesn't come down to it. I like myself the way I am. I'm not a Muslim and far beyond any intellectual reasons for that, I just don't desire to be one. There's nothing I relate to in the practice. I have a fear of commitment to religion, particularly because I don't find religion exclusive to a certain sect. I didn't feel anything at that sermon, I was too busy observing with oogly eyes, trying slightly to feel something. I don't know, maybe there are others. I wish I can worship wearing an invisibility cloak, I want to worship amidst people but I don't want them to see me. I don't want to be asked questions or even to be seen. I just embrace looks of acceptance and peace from peaceful ones. There are barriers between me and the christian way of worship, mostly the picture of me having a double life or ''a secret believer'', I'm not that person, I will not make a hero out of myself for something people who are better than me and truly live for God have earned. The moment I picture confrontation I look to the other side and pretend I choose to be an atheist - it's easier and more cool. I love you God and I love this new feeling of desire to submit to you, I will not make a conscious decision to reject but please if all of this is a big historical hoax, give me a warning beforehand, I'm fearful of my time here. It is long and tormenting and I'd rather live it peacefully.

I love you God, please don't abandon me.

Love,
Me

...........

Am I going to find myself when I'm 40? That's a lot of time to spend without one's self

....

I have made a subconscious decision to reject God. No idea why, I just get my hopes too high with him then fall on hardwood floor.

Why do I reject him? Why? I want to look in the mirror and be given an answer

Is it because he still does not offer a clear explanation of why my life is like this?

Why I have to choose between being an impulsive wreck or swallow a pill and be a cold fish

Why I can't seem to find anything about me that is usual for a 19 year old

why I'm denied of any fulfilling life experiences that would make me feel my life is worth living

why I have to choose between being completely alone or being in an unhealthy relationship that has been and will continue to wither me

Is it because I have no idea how to worship him? I'm always in fear of being heard do it my way and that just ends it for me. Can you worship in fear? How can you LIVE god when you cannot talk about him your way? when you're regarded as someone who simply is too lazy to pray and is too imprudent to be dressed like they do?

Dear god, this is my daily surrounding, my fucking daily surrounding. I eat and sleep and live with them. Most of all, I love them, and not just the love I feel obliged to give, I truly and wholeheartedly love and adore them. They are my flesh and blood and most of what I identify with at heart and apart from convictions.

To choose between family or hypocrisy



I came here to receive, to speak and be spoken with and not repeat the machining questions in my mind every hour of the day. I love you god. I'd love to be guided. I've got no one to speak with about you and no one to help me know you and no tv show to watch about you or books to read or places to go that have you in them. It's just you and me and the life you know. Help me survive this. I grow poor of energy everyday and become more like everyone else. I judge people and don't stop to smell the roses anymore. I feel like I'm slipping of myself and there's nothing I can do about it.

Please come visit me on mornings. Ask me how I'm doing and I will talk to you. I will tell you things only you will understand. Help me up and tell me my day is worth going through. Tell me I don't need a stupid pill to be a person. Tell me I can live with my bad self without the need for anyone or anything. Give me reason to live and some light at the end of the tunnel. Let's find us a language, a way to speak that I don't need to explain to anyone. Give me answers, dear God and open your heart to me to give me the things you give to those you love. I am not short of those you love to look and feel blessed and not suffer the way I do. I love you God and need your help in every way you can. You've always been my reason and hope to live even at the moments where you've been in my life the least that I've forgotten who you are.

Thank you for the beautiful animals you've sent me. I can tell you love me through them and I've been stupid enough not to notice..

Help me see more beauty and give more beauty to others, I know this is my place in the world..





Love,
Me

الصورة قصادك ممدودة
و مش محدودة
بالطول و العرض
و البرواز ضلعه الفوقاني
ف السما
و التاني مساوي الأرض
و بما إنك حيلتك بس عينين
ف قصادك حل من الإتنين
يا تقرّب جامد م الصورة
و تاخدلك كادر تركز فيه
و تعيش حكاويه
و ساعتها مفيش
و لا كادر يعيش
و يكونله لزوم
غير كادر الزووم
أصغر تفصيل ف الصورة يبان
ريحة الدنيا و طعم الأحداث
الفرق ف تدريج الألوان
شكل التجاعيد ف وشوش الناس
ف تعيش مستمتع بالتفاصيل
الجهل... جميل
بيقربلك سقف النشوة
و الحزن كمان

أما لو اخترت إنك تبعد
و تشوف المنظر من برة
حتغطي عينيك كادرات أكبر
و حاجات أكتر
لكن أحجامها بقت أصغر
م الأول ميت مليون مرة
تكتشف إنك
مبقتش في حاجة تأثر فيك
و لا بتبكيك
مبقتش بتزعل تقريباً
و الدنيا بقت أبيض فاقع
و إن انت بقيت إنسان ساقع
مبقيتش بتضحك بالساهل
و لا حاجة ف نظرك تستاهل
تتمنى ساعتها تعود جاهل
ف تلاقي الزووم
كان رايح بس
و لجل النحس
مفيش راجع

..

If it weren't for a faint, diminishing belief in God I have, I would have killed myself in an obnoxious way some time ago.

All I do

all i do in this

all i try to do..

all what you complain of

is just exist

more clearly, exist outside of you

In Pain

I am in pain.