....

I have made a subconscious decision to reject God. No idea why, I just get my hopes too high with him then fall on hardwood floor.

Why do I reject him? Why? I want to look in the mirror and be given an answer

Is it because he still does not offer a clear explanation of why my life is like this?

Why I have to choose between being an impulsive wreck or swallow a pill and be a cold fish

Why I can't seem to find anything about me that is usual for a 19 year old

why I'm denied of any fulfilling life experiences that would make me feel my life is worth living

why I have to choose between being completely alone or being in an unhealthy relationship that has been and will continue to wither me

Is it because I have no idea how to worship him? I'm always in fear of being heard do it my way and that just ends it for me. Can you worship in fear? How can you LIVE god when you cannot talk about him your way? when you're regarded as someone who simply is too lazy to pray and is too imprudent to be dressed like they do?

Dear god, this is my daily surrounding, my fucking daily surrounding. I eat and sleep and live with them. Most of all, I love them, and not just the love I feel obliged to give, I truly and wholeheartedly love and adore them. They are my flesh and blood and most of what I identify with at heart and apart from convictions.

To choose between family or hypocrisy



I came here to receive, to speak and be spoken with and not repeat the machining questions in my mind every hour of the day. I love you god. I'd love to be guided. I've got no one to speak with about you and no one to help me know you and no tv show to watch about you or books to read or places to go that have you in them. It's just you and me and the life you know. Help me survive this. I grow poor of energy everyday and become more like everyone else. I judge people and don't stop to smell the roses anymore. I feel like I'm slipping of myself and there's nothing I can do about it.

Please come visit me on mornings. Ask me how I'm doing and I will talk to you. I will tell you things only you will understand. Help me up and tell me my day is worth going through. Tell me I don't need a stupid pill to be a person. Tell me I can live with my bad self without the need for anyone or anything. Give me reason to live and some light at the end of the tunnel. Let's find us a language, a way to speak that I don't need to explain to anyone. Give me answers, dear God and open your heart to me to give me the things you give to those you love. I am not short of those you love to look and feel blessed and not suffer the way I do. I love you God and need your help in every way you can. You've always been my reason and hope to live even at the moments where you've been in my life the least that I've forgotten who you are.

Thank you for the beautiful animals you've sent me. I can tell you love me through them and I've been stupid enough not to notice..

Help me see more beauty and give more beauty to others, I know this is my place in the world..





Love,
Me