Oh my God, God
What is it that's happening to me
why am I doing this
what the hell is wrong with me
Why am I making mistakes I thought I was done with years ago
why am I making mistakes that get me to a point where I need serious help
oh my God, God
what the fuck
what I've been doing the past few days, is saying I won't go nearing it again and drowning myself in spiritual things
It just comes from a deep desire I have to press pause from my life and moving to another level of being
Oh my God
I can't believe I'm doing this again
I need to get hit by a train or something to fucking wake up
I can't believe what I'm doing to myself
Where is the manual that tells you how to deal with sin
aside from evangelical self help
I need that
I need the 7 habits to recover from sin, or some 10 step/commandment/thing to do to slap yourself on the face and wake up
I feel like I'm not standing on the ground, I feel completely off balance and in a weird state of mind where all what I'm saying resonates but doesn't necessarily sound like it has anything to do with me
Oh my God
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Breathe
I wanted to write some things, but I'm so tired I forgot what they were
god is a decent person, he treats me well and pets me sometimes
he does caring things to me
I feel like I've been given soup and wrapped in a blanket after a long draining fever
I decided that I believe in Saints in a way, they are heartwarming to think about
I love you God, I love everything you've given me
god is a decent person, he treats me well and pets me sometimes
he does caring things to me
I feel like I've been given soup and wrapped in a blanket after a long draining fever
I decided that I believe in Saints in a way, they are heartwarming to think about
I love you God, I love everything you've given me
Thursday, June 28, 2012
On a separate note, screw you. Screw you for wanting me to be a stupid weak doll. Screw you wallahi.
Screw you for causing me to be locked up and be left with nothing but the itch I have for you, magnified X100.
One day you stupid unipolar 'mature' man, you will realize that the amount you've fucked me up is light years beyond anything you ever imagined.
Screw you for causing me to be locked up and be left with nothing but the itch I have for you, magnified X100.
One day you stupid unipolar 'mature' man, you will realize that the amount you've fucked me up is light years beyond anything you ever imagined.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Saturday, June 16, 2012
فى الحته دى
هنا
فى تيار اكتئاب شعبى
فى خنقة مشاعر مش عارفة اتكلم عنها
فى حرقة ومرارة بتعيد انتاج نفسها فى كوابيس يومية
فى كوابيس بقى ابداع فى البشاعة.. بمنطق فين يوجعك
فى حبسة بيت
ووحدة بتحدف فى اتجاه واحد
لإحساس اسمه عايزة ماما
فى محاولات تافهة لأنى اعرف اتعايش مع العجز ده
وامنى نفسى بأحلام ممكن تحصل وممكن تتسرق زى اى حاجة فى الدنيا
فى هوية ايمانية بحبها ومش عارفة اعيشها
مش بس عشان ظروف لكن عشان هوية تانية واطية جوايا
فى صيام دائم عن الحياه
فى عمق أم الهاوية
عينى تراك
Saturday, June 9, 2012
For The Record
God could have kept Daniel out of the lion's den...
He could have kept Paul and Silas out of jail...
He could have kept the three Hebrew children out of the fiery furnace..
But God has never promised to keep us out of hard places...
What He has promised is to go with us through every hard place, and to bring us through, with the utmost peace of his spirit inside us, and without a thought of doubt or fear, He promises us to be there, stick with us through it, and voluntarily share the pain, even the excruciating, gladly.
~Anonymous
a statement of belief
of a never ending, never diminishing, strong and outspoken god, who doesn't feed off rituality and the praise of mouth, a god who loves me through my ugliest and at moments where I don't even love myself.
He could have kept Paul and Silas out of jail...
He could have kept the three Hebrew children out of the fiery furnace..
But God has never promised to keep us out of hard places...
What He has promised is to go with us through every hard place, and to bring us through, with the utmost peace of his spirit inside us, and without a thought of doubt or fear, He promises us to be there, stick with us through it, and voluntarily share the pain, even the excruciating, gladly.
~Anonymous
a statement of belief
of a never ending, never diminishing, strong and outspoken god, who doesn't feed off rituality and the praise of mouth, a god who loves me through my ugliest and at moments where I don't even love myself.
Friday, June 8, 2012
half asleep with my nose in your the shoulder creases of your shirt
was cranky seconds ago, then smelled you and felt Okay
it feels relaxing to be 20kgs again
you drop me on the toilet seat, my legs swing lightly
my head is heavy, but inside my chest all is comfortably in place
I didn't know back then my smell made you feel Okay too
was cranky seconds ago, then smelled you and felt Okay
it feels relaxing to be 20kgs again
you drop me on the toilet seat, my legs swing lightly
my head is heavy, but inside my chest all is comfortably in place
I didn't know back then my smell made you feel Okay too
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I've met this God
When having a conversation with a friend some time ago, he was asking me why this God, what concrete reasons do I have that make me believe in him.. I kept on digging my mind, I had never asked myself that because it was never just down to that for me. I could discuss this forever if God was just a theory for me, but at that time, when I started believing, he had ceased to be a theory.
The answer I was looking for and tried to word poorly, was that I've actually met him. Not physically seen or heard him, not hypothetically and not through things, but I've spiritually encountered and experienced this exceedingly peaceful and loving man and spirit. It was so true that I just knew he exists, and that he responds if you address him so sincerely, maybe in that way in particular or maybe not, it was not what mattered to me. I knew this is the God I have been looking for, and I knew that out of so many people, he chose to find me. I also knew that he knew me, because he was never presumptuous with me and addressed me in the way he knew I'd accept.
At times I ask myself things, like how exclusively does God exist in that way of approaching him, how loving he is to people who still don't know him.. and I've come to several conclusions
I don't know if I believe in a God who was born of a woman and lived on earth. What I do know is that my God is humble enough to walk in our shoes, and know what it is like to live in a broken world, even if that didn't really happen.
I can't tell for sure that God suffered on a cross and was oppressed for us, but I can tell you with all the heart I have that this God knows me when I suffer, like he's been through it before. I believe without a doubt that he loves his children enough to take a bullet for them, had this bullet been that of forgiving their choice to separate from him, or a wooden cross.
I don't know if the Bible is the untainted and untouched word of God. But if you ask me what it wants to say, I would say peace, strength, love and Holiness. What I look for in a God is nothing more or less.
Dear God,
I am so thankful and grateful you have found me. It's like you've taken me into the backstage of life and loved me so much while showing me, that it does not hurt to see the truth. You are so whole, holy, and accepting that no matter how far I go from you, I can't spend more than a few days at this distance. I don't even like to remember how it has been for me without you. It's like I was disabled at all aspects, and there was nothing I could do about it but hope you existed.
I love you God and I know you've loved me first. I have a father and he's not like everyone else's. If I had been born of my human father I would have been a piece of flesh, nothing more. You gave me your spirit and chose me among others, that I will call no one else a father but you. If I have no job, no money and no company I will never call myself an orphan because he who has created all these, knows the number of the hairs on my head. He knows every single wish of mine and will make them all come true in spite of how any human wants to impede them.
Your loving daughter,
Myself
The answer I was looking for and tried to word poorly, was that I've actually met him. Not physically seen or heard him, not hypothetically and not through things, but I've spiritually encountered and experienced this exceedingly peaceful and loving man and spirit. It was so true that I just knew he exists, and that he responds if you address him so sincerely, maybe in that way in particular or maybe not, it was not what mattered to me. I knew this is the God I have been looking for, and I knew that out of so many people, he chose to find me. I also knew that he knew me, because he was never presumptuous with me and addressed me in the way he knew I'd accept.
At times I ask myself things, like how exclusively does God exist in that way of approaching him, how loving he is to people who still don't know him.. and I've come to several conclusions
I don't know if I believe in a God who was born of a woman and lived on earth. What I do know is that my God is humble enough to walk in our shoes, and know what it is like to live in a broken world, even if that didn't really happen.
I can't tell for sure that God suffered on a cross and was oppressed for us, but I can tell you with all the heart I have that this God knows me when I suffer, like he's been through it before. I believe without a doubt that he loves his children enough to take a bullet for them, had this bullet been that of forgiving their choice to separate from him, or a wooden cross.
I don't know if the Bible is the untainted and untouched word of God. But if you ask me what it wants to say, I would say peace, strength, love and Holiness. What I look for in a God is nothing more or less.
Dear God,
I am so thankful and grateful you have found me. It's like you've taken me into the backstage of life and loved me so much while showing me, that it does not hurt to see the truth. You are so whole, holy, and accepting that no matter how far I go from you, I can't spend more than a few days at this distance. I don't even like to remember how it has been for me without you. It's like I was disabled at all aspects, and there was nothing I could do about it but hope you existed.
I love you God and I know you've loved me first. I have a father and he's not like everyone else's. If I had been born of my human father I would have been a piece of flesh, nothing more. You gave me your spirit and chose me among others, that I will call no one else a father but you. If I have no job, no money and no company I will never call myself an orphan because he who has created all these, knows the number of the hairs on my head. He knows every single wish of mine and will make them all come true in spite of how any human wants to impede them.
Your loving daughter,
Myself
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