Dear God,

Everytime I think I don't like this blog, I browse through it and remember that I love it. It holds pieces of me. I don't like to see myself or anything I've said from time to time. From time to time I erase myself, my pictures and tear any piece of paper I find with some mutterings of my words. I love this blog. I grew a habit of talking to you through it, in a language that's not even mine, but it's made us a language. I know that you hear prayers in gibberish so I assume you will hear me? :) I don't know..

I love you God, I love to sit there and meditate you. I don't have to say many things or beg for my wishes, at least not if they don't jump to my tongue wanting you to hear them. I love your presence. It's peaceful. The only way I can tell you exist is that it feels different when you're around. It feels peaceful and nothing simpler.

I've met this woman and I reckon you know her. She wants me to be a Christian. Do I want to be a Christian?? I don't know. I feel comfortable with the way Christians address God. I like the way they describe him. I won't get into anything intellectual because this is not the answer, it doesn't come down to it. I like myself the way I am. I'm not a Muslim and far beyond any intellectual reasons for that, I just don't desire to be one. There's nothing I relate to in the practice. I have a fear of commitment to religion, particularly because I don't find religion exclusive to a certain sect. I didn't feel anything at that sermon, I was too busy observing with oogly eyes, trying slightly to feel something. I don't know, maybe there are others. I wish I can worship wearing an invisibility cloak, I want to worship amidst people but I don't want them to see me. I don't want to be asked questions or even to be seen. I just embrace looks of acceptance and peace from peaceful ones. There are barriers between me and the christian way of worship, mostly the picture of me having a double life or ''a secret believer'', I'm not that person, I will not make a hero out of myself for something people who are better than me and truly live for God have earned. The moment I picture confrontation I look to the other side and pretend I choose to be an atheist - it's easier and more cool. I love you God and I love this new feeling of desire to submit to you, I will not make a conscious decision to reject but please if all of this is a big historical hoax, give me a warning beforehand, I'm fearful of my time here. It is long and tormenting and I'd rather live it peacefully.

I love you God, please don't abandon me.

Love,
Me