Dear God,

I'm so tired, and my heart is exhausted. I don't have answers to many things and so I often make mistakes or do things that wither me. I'm so sorry I leave myself to material pleasures. It's so ugly and unpleasant to look at myself wanting these things. I can't go to bed without admitting I was sinful.

Do you really love me god? can you show me how? I always assume you love me in a certain way that my mind decides is too utopian when there's serious trouble

and for the record when I check this blog later, things are a lot better, my soul is in a different place, I just keep polluting it sometimes and I need to resolve that

Love,
Me

---

Oh my God, God
What is it that's happening to me
why am I doing this
what the hell is wrong with me
Why am I making mistakes I thought I was done with years ago
why am I making mistakes that get me to a point where I need serious help
oh my God, God
what the fuck
what I've been doing the past few days, is saying I won't go nearing it again and drowning myself in spiritual things
It just comes from a deep desire I have to press pause from my life and moving to another level of being
Oh my God
I can't believe I'm doing this again
I need to get hit by a train or something to fucking wake up
I can't believe what I'm doing to myself
Where is the manual that tells you how to deal with sin
aside from evangelical self help
I need that
I need the 7 habits to recover from sin, or some 10 step/commandment/thing to do to slap yourself on the face and wake up
I feel like I'm not standing on the ground, I feel completely off balance and in a weird state of mind where all what I'm saying resonates but doesn't necessarily sound like it has anything to do with me
Oh my God

Breathe

I wanted to write some things, but I'm so tired I forgot what they were

god is a decent person, he treats me well and pets me sometimes

he does caring things to me

I feel like I've been given soup and wrapped in a blanket after a long draining fever

I decided that I believe in Saints in a way, they are heartwarming to think about

I love you God, I love everything you've given me

On a separate note, screw you. Screw you for wanting me to be a stupid weak doll. Screw you wallahi.

Screw you for causing me to be locked up and be left with nothing but the itch I have for you, magnified X100.

One day you stupid unipolar 'mature' man, you will realize that the amount you've fucked me up is light years beyond anything you ever imagined.

كل الشخصيات اللى اثرت فى حياتى وللأسف لسه بحبها

ممكن كلكوا مع بعضكوا كده تكتبوا كتاب

وتسموه "ازاى تحول بنى ادمه سعيده ومستقله لأنثى طفيلية تتغذى على الطبطبة".. مثلاً

الاكتئاب عامل زى نتيجة الانتخابات

لو رضيت بقواعد عالم ملحد, لازم تقبله



فى الحته دى

هنا

فى تيار اكتئاب شعبى

فى خنقة مشاعر مش عارفة اتكلم عنها

فى حرقة ومرارة بتعيد انتاج نفسها فى كوابيس يومية

فى كوابيس بقى ابداع فى البشاعة.. بمنطق فين يوجعك

فى حبسة بيت

ووحدة بتحدف فى اتجاه واحد

لإحساس اسمه عايزة ماما

فى محاولات تافهة لأنى اعرف اتعايش مع العجز ده

وامنى نفسى بأحلام ممكن تحصل وممكن تتسرق زى اى حاجة فى الدنيا

فى هوية ايمانية بحبها ومش عارفة اعيشها

مش بس عشان ظروف لكن عشان هوية تانية واطية جوايا

فى صيام دائم عن الحياه

فى عمق أم الهاوية

عينى تراك