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I'm truly too messed up to write a decent post

this will be very random

it's more of a tantrum than talking

I don't even have the energy to arrange my senteces

circles

my thoughts are becoming roundabout

or dead ended

something of that sort

my mood swings are making me so angry at myself

they're not mood swings in the first place

they're just rediculous attempts of trying to make myself momentally happy to forget about everything that's making me unhappy on the long term

normally by doing something stupid

and then, the downfall

figures

how come I keep on repeating the same mistake even though I positively know I'll be miserable when the high is over

I'm not angry at God, at all

I love God

but I just wish he talks to me more often

or more clearly

I just want to know if he's upset with me

I don't feel like waking up

or getting out of bed if I did

I force myself to go back to sleep

Everytime I wake up and remember all the chaos, I keep on hoping it's a nightmare, then realize it's not, then want to crawl into a corner and die

I want to make the people who love me happy

but I don't want to live, grow, and die in the bottom of a bottle

I'm just confused to death

I don't want to have people listen to my whining

or live with me being miserable like that

so I just make up a shell and go in it

I'll go to bed now

and sleep in a really long time because I can't sleep right away

and then not want to wake up

again

and again and again and again