random II

- There's so many things I want to say but can't, I don't know how to word them, they sound so normal as thoughts, but once I think about how they'll sound I feel very stupid.

- I'm always afraid of saying something stupid, I'm afraid I'd sound naive/insignificant/spoiled/teenagy.

- I don't know whether it's wrong or right to be like this, I keep on isolating myself from everything, sometimes it feels like I'm just enjoying my time alone, others it feels like I'm running away, from reality to the internet or photography or music or whatever. I'm getting to a point where I'd rather be alone in a bubble than with people, and sometimes it's people I love, who actually feel it and are bothered by it. My family thinks this is my way of being inconsiderate and cold, and I lost hope in them understanding anything, so it doesn't bother me this much anymore.

- I'm glad I'm out of his influence (at least temporarily) to think clearly, I'm glad in a rational way. I think I let go of half my IQ when I'm with him, and he's like God, anything he says is correct, which is VERY stupid of me. I'm a smart person and I shouldn't love like this. On the other hand, none of this smartness is as liberating as being with him.

- His eyes are hypnotic, I'm glad he taught me how to stare.

- I know it more than I know my name that I'll forget all this next time I talk to him, that thing that attracted me in the first place will do it all over again, only faster.

- The fact that my feelings are unreal because I'm a teenager makes me want to slap myself violently, I'm 100% sure that I want him, my attraction is both rational and irrational, which is the perfect combination. But theory says it's an illusion and I'll grow out of it. That could be the only reason I might want to grow up. It's driving me insane.